I haven't seen HTB since the weekend after Thanksgiving, and there's a chance I'll get to see him tonight! He's on his way home, and when I spoke to him he wasn't more than an hour or so away from his place. Maybe by 10:30 he'll be here, and we can snuggle up and watch a movie... I've missed him so much! I really can't wait to see him.
I know if he doesn't come over tonight, he'll be here early tomorrow afternoon, so it's not like he won't be here soon. BUT I'd still rather see him tonight, cause it's sooner, and I'm greedy when it comes to time with him. That happy feeling is why I'm sure our long distance situation isn't going to break us.
I'm just gonna sit here and wait for my phone to ring now...
Wedding Ticker
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
First crisis of the wedding prep!
If I were a typical bride, I'd probably be panicking right now. Fortunately for those around me, all I can do is laugh.
David's Bridal forgot to order one of my bridesmaid's dresses. They marked it as a carry-out purchase, and so while we've been waiting for the call sayin "hey come get this dress"... there wasn't really a dress to get. Luckily my wedding isn't until May, and this is basically a non-issue. But they are gonna give me 20% off of my veil because of the inconvenience. Nice.
I think the customer service person was more stressed about the mistake than I am. I guess I'm not cut out to be bridezilla.
David's Bridal forgot to order one of my bridesmaid's dresses. They marked it as a carry-out purchase, and so while we've been waiting for the call sayin "hey come get this dress"... there wasn't really a dress to get. Luckily my wedding isn't until May, and this is basically a non-issue. But they are gonna give me 20% off of my veil because of the inconvenience. Nice.
I think the customer service person was more stressed about the mistake than I am. I guess I'm not cut out to be bridezilla.
Friday, December 17, 2010
Worries...
It's 3:30AM, and I'm laying awake with a lot on my mind. No doubt helped along by the two 24oz extra caffeine coffees I drank today to stave off the chill and the drowsiness.
Anyway, I'm thinking a lot about the fact that while I'll still be *me* in six months, I'll also be someone's wife. Half of a married couple, and responsible, at least in part, for another person's emotional well-being. Later on down the road, God willing, I will be someone's mother. A wife and mom. Something I've always wanted, but never really thought of as happening for me.
Now I'm fretting about my ability to do justice to those titles. I have what-ifs going through my head to the point it's like a broken record. Spinning and skipping to the point of annoyance, only I can't smack the needle away to make it stop.
HTB told me tonight that he's confident I will make a good wife and mom. I told him that I'm confident in my ability to love my husband and children, I don't know how well I will perform in the role of wife or mother. I'm nowhere close to being a parent yet, but the thought of being responsible for the life of someone so small and fragile, of being responsible for making sure that tiny person grows into a productive member of society.... it's daunting.
The role of wife? I think I could handle that one easily. I play it fairly well already, but I think the adjustment period of living together will be an interesting one. However, I'm not so sure about doing wonderfully as a preacher's wife. I only have a limited idea of what that role requires, and all my HTB will tell me is "you'll do fine." He knows what he's talking about, I suppose, and I should probably just trust him. I can't help but fret though. Worrying is what I do best.
What if... What if.... What if...?
Round and round it goes...
Anyway, I'm thinking a lot about the fact that while I'll still be *me* in six months, I'll also be someone's wife. Half of a married couple, and responsible, at least in part, for another person's emotional well-being. Later on down the road, God willing, I will be someone's mother. A wife and mom. Something I've always wanted, but never really thought of as happening for me.
Now I'm fretting about my ability to do justice to those titles. I have what-ifs going through my head to the point it's like a broken record. Spinning and skipping to the point of annoyance, only I can't smack the needle away to make it stop.
HTB told me tonight that he's confident I will make a good wife and mom. I told him that I'm confident in my ability to love my husband and children, I don't know how well I will perform in the role of wife or mother. I'm nowhere close to being a parent yet, but the thought of being responsible for the life of someone so small and fragile, of being responsible for making sure that tiny person grows into a productive member of society.... it's daunting.
The role of wife? I think I could handle that one easily. I play it fairly well already, but I think the adjustment period of living together will be an interesting one. However, I'm not so sure about doing wonderfully as a preacher's wife. I only have a limited idea of what that role requires, and all my HTB will tell me is "you'll do fine." He knows what he's talking about, I suppose, and I should probably just trust him. I can't help but fret though. Worrying is what I do best.
What if... What if.... What if...?
Round and round it goes...
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Wierd Dreams
I woke up this morning, after having the strangest dream.
My wedding was supposedly taking place on the top floor of a huge hotel, located somewhere with a lot of snow. The flowers were wrong, the dresses were wrong, my train was attached to the FRONT of my gown, the elevators were broken, and someone bet my grandfather $20 that I'd order a salad for dinner the night before the wedding.
Now I'm completely used to having strange dreams, but unlike the others, I can figure out where parts of this one came from. One of my bridesmaids ordered her dress over two months ago, and it still has not come in (please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery, and that was at least 2 weeks ago I think) so I had that on my mind, and there is some snow in the weather forecast, so that's where the snow came from. Where the rest of it came from, I have no idea, and picking apart the oddness of my brain is a task better left for highly trained professionals.
In other news, today marks the 2 year anniversary of mine and HTB's first date. It's a weird feeling. Time has flown by, it seems, but I also look at him and think "Has it really only been two years?" I feel like I've known him forever.
This fall also marked 9 years that I've known my bff/moh :)
I've picked awesome people to make 'family by choice' <3
My wedding was supposedly taking place on the top floor of a huge hotel, located somewhere with a lot of snow. The flowers were wrong, the dresses were wrong, my train was attached to the FRONT of my gown, the elevators were broken, and someone bet my grandfather $20 that I'd order a salad for dinner the night before the wedding.
Now I'm completely used to having strange dreams, but unlike the others, I can figure out where parts of this one came from. One of my bridesmaids ordered her dress over two months ago, and it still has not come in (please allow 6-8 weeks for delivery, and that was at least 2 weeks ago I think) so I had that on my mind, and there is some snow in the weather forecast, so that's where the snow came from. Where the rest of it came from, I have no idea, and picking apart the oddness of my brain is a task better left for highly trained professionals.
In other news, today marks the 2 year anniversary of mine and HTB's first date. It's a weird feeling. Time has flown by, it seems, but I also look at him and think "Has it really only been two years?" I feel like I've known him forever.
This fall also marked 9 years that I've known my bff/moh :)
I've picked awesome people to make 'family by choice' <3
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Photographers
I'm enjoying the process of interviewing photographers! It's giving me this feeling of power or something. I'm the boss here.
I think I'm going to go with JC, she's local and she's been very helpful in providing the info on what I need to think about in terms of the photographs. Also, her prices are a bit more reasonable, she's a friend of a friend, and I wouldn't have to pay a travel fee!
The other option, Sarah, was pleasant on the phone and via e-mail interaction and is obviously a very nice person, but I didn't get that "I'm personally interested in your wedding and want to help you celebrate and remember" vibe that I'm getting from Josi, which is a bonus.
I would like for us (me and the hubby to be) to meet with her in person one time, just to get a feel for her, and see if we'd get along. If we clash, that could make my happy day a downer. That would be no good!
Her sample photos on the website are gorgeous, and I think she'd do a great job in the role, so I hope it works out.
I think I'm going to go with JC, she's local and she's been very helpful in providing the info on what I need to think about in terms of the photographs. Also, her prices are a bit more reasonable, she's a friend of a friend, and I wouldn't have to pay a travel fee!
The other option, Sarah, was pleasant on the phone and via e-mail interaction and is obviously a very nice person, but I didn't get that "I'm personally interested in your wedding and want to help you celebrate and remember" vibe that I'm getting from Josi, which is a bonus.
I would like for us (me and the hubby to be) to meet with her in person one time, just to get a feel for her, and see if we'd get along. If we clash, that could make my happy day a downer. That would be no good!
Her sample photos on the website are gorgeous, and I think she'd do a great job in the role, so I hope it works out.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Wedding plans!
My best friend, who happens to be my maid of honor, suggested that I start blogging about my wedding. I told her it's a great idea, but I'm horrible at blogging. So instead of starting a new blog, I'm just gonna turn this one into a "we were dating, now were engaged, and now I'm a preacher's wife from a non-religious background" kind of blog, and hopefully be able to keep up with it.
The long distance mess, it's not easy. It's actually getting harder, but we're past the half way point, and down to just over 5 months before the wedding. That being said, we STILL don't have a solid date set for the thing. HOWEVER I do have plans! and photos! :)
My ring is super gorgeous, and definitely unique.
The diamond is a pear shape, and some people tell me I wear it upside down. I tell them to turn their heads around if they don't like it. I prefer it this way! The side stones are alexandrite, and they are my hubby to be's birthstone. (Ring custom made by Either Ore - Strawbridge location )
My dress is a bit no frills, purchased from David's Bridal (along with the bridesmaids gowns) for the relatively low price of $499 (photos lifted from the page, these are NOT ME, NOR MY BRIDESMAIDS).
It's a strapless chiffon empire waist a-line dress in ivory with very simple beading and flattering pleats (not the ones that make fat chicks like me look pregnant) and I absolutely love it!
The bridesmaid's dresses are in the color lilac, to go with my theme of lavender and cream:
This dress is amazing. It's also a strapless, pleated, chiffon dress. It looks wonderful on all my girls and it cost, I believe around $125.
Still working on getting a veil, but I've found that this site seems to be full of info, decent pricing, and they will even send you 5 free fabric swatches to match to your dress. They arrived at my house within a week of my request. (The shimmer seems to make the fabric look a little darker, the diamond white shimmer is lovely!)
The flowers, I will likely be using a package from Norfolk Florist. They have several wedding packages. I love the gerbera daisy package. It is perfect for my wedding party, and for $300 it comes with (I quote from the site) "one bridal bouquet, 3 attendants bouquets, one grooms boutonniere, 3 groomsmen boutonnieres, 2 Fathers boutonnieres and 2 Mothers corsages. All hand tied fresh Gerbera Daisies accented with sheer chiffon."
For the reception, I've ordered 10 super cute one-time use cameras (they were on sale at The Knot!)
(yes i took that picture with my phone so it kinda sucks, sorry)
They were only $2.99 apiece when I ordered them, and I believe they are regularly $4.99. They match my colors so well!
I'm also going to be ordering some glass jars from another site I found (visit them!) and they are $0.89 apiece... I will be filling them with custom M&Ms and dark chocolate Hershey kisses to match the wedding colors
They even come with custom labels for the lids, so I can put mine and hubby's name and the date on the jars (having bridesmaids will come in so handy for this task)
Instead of a cake, I'm going to do a cupcake tower, likely with a delicious oreo cupcake recipe, and a tower stand I found on Amazon.com (this will, in the end, likely be cheaper than doing a professional cake! so excited)
The caterers are going to be friends of my father's (nice to know people who know people eh?) and will likely be a mix of barbecue and Asian food (talk about fusion cuisine?)
As for entertainment, another friend of the family will, hopefully, let us borrow their sweet speakers, and I'll just hook up an iPod on shuffle for the music, and have horse shoes, corn hole, frisbees, etc to play with. (If you pray, pray that it doesn't rain on May 21st 2011!)
My gift to my bridal party is the girls day mani-pedi before the wedding, and my gift to my maid of honor is gonna be a customized silver bangle bracelet.
My honeymoon will be a trip to a honeymoon cabin in the Smoky Mountains, either in Gatlinburg, or Pigeon Forge Tennessee. They have so many amazing honeymoon cabins! The company we went through the first time we went offers some good deals (including online booking and military discounts!), and we will be using them again.
I'm working on getting a photographer. So far, I've had suggestions for a couple different folks, and I will have to make a decision on that soon. (Sarah Fitzgibbons, and JC Photo Creations)
And that's what I've got planned so far... I think I'm doing fairly well! :)
The long distance mess, it's not easy. It's actually getting harder, but we're past the half way point, and down to just over 5 months before the wedding. That being said, we STILL don't have a solid date set for the thing. HOWEVER I do have plans! and photos! :)
My ring is super gorgeous, and definitely unique.
The diamond is a pear shape, and some people tell me I wear it upside down. I tell them to turn their heads around if they don't like it. I prefer it this way! The side stones are alexandrite, and they are my hubby to be's birthstone. (Ring custom made by Either Ore - Strawbridge location )
My dress is a bit no frills, purchased from David's Bridal (along with the bridesmaids gowns) for the relatively low price of $499 (photos lifted from the page, these are NOT ME, NOR MY BRIDESMAIDS).
It's a strapless chiffon empire waist a-line dress in ivory with very simple beading and flattering pleats (not the ones that make fat chicks like me look pregnant) and I absolutely love it!
The bridesmaid's dresses are in the color lilac, to go with my theme of lavender and cream:
This dress is amazing. It's also a strapless, pleated, chiffon dress. It looks wonderful on all my girls and it cost, I believe around $125.
Still working on getting a veil, but I've found that this site seems to be full of info, decent pricing, and they will even send you 5 free fabric swatches to match to your dress. They arrived at my house within a week of my request. (The shimmer seems to make the fabric look a little darker, the diamond white shimmer is lovely!)
The flowers, I will likely be using a package from Norfolk Florist. They have several wedding packages. I love the gerbera daisy package. It is perfect for my wedding party, and for $300 it comes with (I quote from the site) "one bridal bouquet, 3 attendants bouquets, one grooms boutonniere, 3 groomsmen boutonnieres, 2 Fathers boutonnieres and 2 Mothers corsages. All hand tied fresh Gerbera Daisies accented with sheer chiffon."
For the reception, I've ordered 10 super cute one-time use cameras (they were on sale at The Knot!)
(yes i took that picture with my phone so it kinda sucks, sorry)
They were only $2.99 apiece when I ordered them, and I believe they are regularly $4.99. They match my colors so well!
I'm also going to be ordering some glass jars from another site I found (visit them!) and they are $0.89 apiece... I will be filling them with custom M&Ms and dark chocolate Hershey kisses to match the wedding colors
They even come with custom labels for the lids, so I can put mine and hubby's name and the date on the jars (having bridesmaids will come in so handy for this task)
Instead of a cake, I'm going to do a cupcake tower, likely with a delicious oreo cupcake recipe, and a tower stand I found on Amazon.com (this will, in the end, likely be cheaper than doing a professional cake! so excited)
The caterers are going to be friends of my father's (nice to know people who know people eh?) and will likely be a mix of barbecue and Asian food (talk about fusion cuisine?)
As for entertainment, another friend of the family will, hopefully, let us borrow their sweet speakers, and I'll just hook up an iPod on shuffle for the music, and have horse shoes, corn hole, frisbees, etc to play with. (If you pray, pray that it doesn't rain on May 21st 2011!)
My gift to my bridal party is the girls day mani-pedi before the wedding, and my gift to my maid of honor is gonna be a customized silver bangle bracelet.
My honeymoon will be a trip to a honeymoon cabin in the Smoky Mountains, either in Gatlinburg, or Pigeon Forge Tennessee. They have so many amazing honeymoon cabins! The company we went through the first time we went offers some good deals (including online booking and military discounts!), and we will be using them again.
I'm working on getting a photographer. So far, I've had suggestions for a couple different folks, and I will have to make a decision on that soon. (Sarah Fitzgibbons, and JC Photo Creations)
And that's what I've got planned so far... I think I'm doing fairly well! :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
he was here... then he left.
so he came home for a week and it was wonderful. i cooked for him. i spoiled him rotten. and we finally got the engagement ring on my hand. :) i was on cloud nine all week.
unfortunately i didn't get a chance to write while he was here, but that's okay. now that he's back at school my muse is rested and hopefully the ideas will follow. the writing is a new hobby of mine. it's fun, and allows my creativity to flow. it's not as easy as i thought it would be though. or i'm not as creative as i thought.
either way, i'm writing for me not an audience, so it can be complete drivel as long as i'm happy with putting the words down.
as far as the wedding stuff is going... i hate planning weddings, i'm finding. i figured that even though i dislike weddings, i'd like my own. but i don't. i don't like the frilly formal fuss. i don't want the wedding, i want the marriage.
i want to be his wife, i don't want the big formal EXPENSIVE event to become his wife.
why is it so expensive to get married in front of god and family?
unfortunately i didn't get a chance to write while he was here, but that's okay. now that he's back at school my muse is rested and hopefully the ideas will follow. the writing is a new hobby of mine. it's fun, and allows my creativity to flow. it's not as easy as i thought it would be though. or i'm not as creative as i thought.
either way, i'm writing for me not an audience, so it can be complete drivel as long as i'm happy with putting the words down.
as far as the wedding stuff is going... i hate planning weddings, i'm finding. i figured that even though i dislike weddings, i'd like my own. but i don't. i don't like the frilly formal fuss. i don't want the wedding, i want the marriage.
i want to be his wife, i don't want the big formal EXPENSIVE event to become his wife.
why is it so expensive to get married in front of god and family?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Irony or Coincidence?
Earlier tonight we were talking about how good things are and how we felt like poo after the smallest of fights, easily resolved and forgotten.
Then of course, later on, we end up in... well... not a fight, per se, but there was definitely an unpleasant tone to the conversation. We're both a little tense because of the distance and how long it's been. But still, little things like that shouldn't happen.
This is a man I know like the back of my hand... and even knowing him that well I still love him more than life. He means the world to me, and I hate it when it even feels like we're possibly skirting around an issue that might turn into a fight eventually.
I want to rant when he doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from, and I want to shake him when he doesn't respond to my anger or disappointment. In the end, I just let it go. It wasn't important enough to fight about. I won't always do that, though. I hope he knows it.
Then of course, later on, we end up in... well... not a fight, per se, but there was definitely an unpleasant tone to the conversation. We're both a little tense because of the distance and how long it's been. But still, little things like that shouldn't happen.
This is a man I know like the back of my hand... and even knowing him that well I still love him more than life. He means the world to me, and I hate it when it even feels like we're possibly skirting around an issue that might turn into a fight eventually.
I want to rant when he doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from, and I want to shake him when he doesn't respond to my anger or disappointment. In the end, I just let it go. It wasn't important enough to fight about. I won't always do that, though. I hope he knows it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
We've done it!
We, as a couple, have made it to the half way point of this first leg of the journey. It may not seem like much, but 24 days without any sort of physical contact is not very easy and I really don't know how military wives/fiances/girlfriends do it.
24 more days until I get to see him again. And when I do, I will likely be glued to his side for the entire week. I never knew I could miss a person so much.
Talking to him every day helps, but it's not the same.
24 more days until I get to see him again. And when I do, I will likely be glued to his side for the entire week. I never knew I could miss a person so much.
Talking to him every day helps, but it's not the same.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My life as an almost-wife
Ha. It hasn't really changed all that much, except now I have a reason to doodle my first name paired with his last name, and moon over wedding dresses. I have to admit, knowing that he feels that our relationship is a life time kind is making this separation a lot easier than I had suspected.
It's been almost 3 weeks, and I've only cried once, which can ostensibly be blamed on PMS and excused as simply me being in an emotional state. (Can I get away with that?)
We talk every day, about a bunch of different things. I miss him like crazy, but that's to be expected. The longer he's gone, the more I look forward to seeing him again at the end of August.
Less than 5 weeks left! When he comes home for a bit, we'll be going out to get some price and time estimates on getting my ring made. I'M SO EXCITED!
I've been feeling a little bit greedy or materialistic because I'm so into the idea of my diamond engagement ring. It's a fairly expensive little trinket, but I really want that symbol of this step in our relationship. He understands that, even though I tend to feel awful for wanting it so badly. I know he can't afford anything super expensive at the moment because he's in school. However, I get the feeling that he thinks I'm crazy for feeling bad.
The last few weeks I've been looking into dresses and invitations and venues for receptions and generally enjoying the "I'm getting married!" bit. I plan on riding this high as long as I can, because when it levels off, I know the sadness of missing him will take it's place.
For now, I'm not dwelling on the fact that he's far away, but that we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for this brief separation. I love that man. :)
It's been almost 3 weeks, and I've only cried once, which can ostensibly be blamed on PMS and excused as simply me being in an emotional state. (Can I get away with that?)
We talk every day, about a bunch of different things. I miss him like crazy, but that's to be expected. The longer he's gone, the more I look forward to seeing him again at the end of August.
Less than 5 weeks left! When he comes home for a bit, we'll be going out to get some price and time estimates on getting my ring made. I'M SO EXCITED!
I've been feeling a little bit greedy or materialistic because I'm so into the idea of my diamond engagement ring. It's a fairly expensive little trinket, but I really want that symbol of this step in our relationship. He understands that, even though I tend to feel awful for wanting it so badly. I know he can't afford anything super expensive at the moment because he's in school. However, I get the feeling that he thinks I'm crazy for feeling bad.
The last few weeks I've been looking into dresses and invitations and venues for receptions and generally enjoying the "I'm getting married!" bit. I plan on riding this high as long as I can, because when it levels off, I know the sadness of missing him will take it's place.
For now, I'm not dwelling on the fact that he's far away, but that we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for this brief separation. I love that man. :)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
A week later.
Well, it's been a week since we moved him down to South Carolina. I've talked to him every day, and he seems to be adjusting and doing well with his class. I'm so proud of him.
To keep my mind off of the fact that I won't be seeing him for several weeks, I've been doing wedding plans in my head. I've had some bad moments, but mostly I've managed to keep the tears at bay for now. We'll see how it goes when I don't have work or friends to occupy my time.
Every time I start to get a little bit down about the situation, I remember that he loves me enough to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. It still gives me a little thrill to tell people that I'm getting married. I keep waiting for it to feel real, to sink in... it's been almost 2 weeks, and I'm still waiting for the "just kidding!"
I guess this time, too good is true.
To keep my mind off of the fact that I won't be seeing him for several weeks, I've been doing wedding plans in my head. I've had some bad moments, but mostly I've managed to keep the tears at bay for now. We'll see how it goes when I don't have work or friends to occupy my time.
Every time I start to get a little bit down about the situation, I remember that he loves me enough to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. It still gives me a little thrill to tell people that I'm getting married. I keep waiting for it to feel real, to sink in... it's been almost 2 weeks, and I'm still waiting for the "just kidding!"
I guess this time, too good is true.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Well then.
I guess I don't have to worry about the route our relationship is gonna take anymore...
SINCE HE PROPOSED TONIGHT!!
*squee!* I'm engaged!
I don't think it's fully settled into my brain, but I have never been so happy in my life. <3
SINCE HE PROPOSED TONIGHT!!
*squee!* I'm engaged!
I don't think it's fully settled into my brain, but I have never been so happy in my life. <3
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
T minus 4 days...
My brain is all jumbled right now. These last few weeks have been the most amazing I've had in a long time... due to the fact that I've been able to spend so much time with him. I can't think of anything else but trying to make him happy before he leaves.
We've spent so much time together, just the two of us and with family... It's so hard to believe that in 4 short days I'll be helping him move into a new place 7 hours away from me.
I'm strong, when I have to be. I hate being weak. I can't help crying about him leaving though. I don't know how to handle this. He says I'm handling it very well, and I've surprised myself by not picking any stupid little fights with him over it, but I still feel like the frequency of tears being present is way too high.
I want him to miss me, and want to be back with me... but I don't want him to regret his decision to follow his dream in any way.
I can't keep the scary negative thoughts from popping into my head. I want to believe the good ones, but don't want to get my hopes up lest they be shot down.
I want to tell everyone how proud I am of him, and how happy I am to see him get what he wants, and at the same time I just want to hold on tight and put my face in his neck and not let go.
I don't want to cry over it because it shows weakness and that leads to people walking out of my life, but at the same time I don't want to appear indifferent as though it doesn't matter that he's leaving.
Tomorrow is our last day just to ourselves before he leaves. I will be making and freezing some of his favorites so I can send them down with him when he goes. We'll also be making some prints from pictures taken during some of our trips so he can have them to decorate his dorm.
Friday will be the good-bye gathering, Saturday will be the trip down and the moving in, Sunday.... Sunday is the day I'm dreading the most. The drive home. The drive without him. The 7 hour ride in the car with his family judging me for crying too much (or maybe not enough?).
I wish I could settle my brain. I haven't slept well in a long time because I'm so stressed about him leaving. I sometimes think, "it's not a very long separation, and we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it." And that line of thought keeps a smile on my face most of the time.... however, the other one that sneaks up when I'm feeling particularly low, "he's leaving, and when he gets down there he'll probably decide to take a path other than the one we've discussed."
I hate having such a roller coaster in my head. My brain doesn't like being a track, especially when the cars are threatening to tip over the side.
We've spent so much time together, just the two of us and with family... It's so hard to believe that in 4 short days I'll be helping him move into a new place 7 hours away from me.
I'm strong, when I have to be. I hate being weak. I can't help crying about him leaving though. I don't know how to handle this. He says I'm handling it very well, and I've surprised myself by not picking any stupid little fights with him over it, but I still feel like the frequency of tears being present is way too high.
I want him to miss me, and want to be back with me... but I don't want him to regret his decision to follow his dream in any way.
I can't keep the scary negative thoughts from popping into my head. I want to believe the good ones, but don't want to get my hopes up lest they be shot down.
I want to tell everyone how proud I am of him, and how happy I am to see him get what he wants, and at the same time I just want to hold on tight and put my face in his neck and not let go.
I don't want to cry over it because it shows weakness and that leads to people walking out of my life, but at the same time I don't want to appear indifferent as though it doesn't matter that he's leaving.
Tomorrow is our last day just to ourselves before he leaves. I will be making and freezing some of his favorites so I can send them down with him when he goes. We'll also be making some prints from pictures taken during some of our trips so he can have them to decorate his dorm.
Friday will be the good-bye gathering, Saturday will be the trip down and the moving in, Sunday.... Sunday is the day I'm dreading the most. The drive home. The drive without him. The 7 hour ride in the car with his family judging me for crying too much (or maybe not enough?).
I wish I could settle my brain. I haven't slept well in a long time because I'm so stressed about him leaving. I sometimes think, "it's not a very long separation, and we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it." And that line of thought keeps a smile on my face most of the time.... however, the other one that sneaks up when I'm feeling particularly low, "he's leaving, and when he gets down there he'll probably decide to take a path other than the one we've discussed."
I hate having such a roller coaster in my head. My brain doesn't like being a track, especially when the cars are threatening to tip over the side.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
In a mood.
Yeah, the kinda mood where you just want to declare your love in frilly, flowery, song-lyrical terms. However, my creativity is poo, so I'll be borrowing love quotes that seem to adequately express how I'm feeling about my hunny. :)
Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes
He's leaving in 10 short days. Physically he will be away from me, but I feel that our love is strong enough to overcome this challenge. His heart will be here with me, so it will be home. And I will take good care of it, because I want him to do the same with mine.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
The phrase "madly in love" is completely accurate. I feel it, and know it to be true. It's amazing how this emotion can make you feel things on the opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time. That, my friends, is enough to drive anyone mad.
A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
~George Jean Nathan
This quote fits my sweetie so well. It's as though he finds a comfortable and secure place when he's laying down beside me with my head on his shoulder, because he always ends up falling asleep. I love that he's so comfortable with me that he can drift off into the most vulnerable state. Especially when he does it with a smile on his face. There's not another feeling like it.
Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then you're not really in love at all.
~C. J. Franks
Even though this sort of contradicts the previous one, I still like it and think it is also true. Every touch, every kiss, every time. Sometimes it's a warm fuzzy comfortable feeling, other times it's a shock to my toes. It's never unpleasant.
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
~La Rochefoucauld
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and all that. I really hope this is the case, as I've said before. I really think we've got what it takes, and I can only say that I will do my best to make sure nothing changes.
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
~Victor Hugo
Knowing he loves me even though I'm messy, sometimes lazy, stubborn as a mule, and get nasty blemishes on my chin when I'm PMSing makes me think he could be telling the truth about this. Not only does he love me when I'm at my best, but he loves me the rest of the time too. And that is the most solid proof of "love" I can think of.
I wish I had the creativity to put it into my own words, but since I don't, I'm glad others do... and I hope they don't mind my borrowing.
Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.
~Oliver Wendell Holmes
He's leaving in 10 short days. Physically he will be away from me, but I feel that our love is strong enough to overcome this challenge. His heart will be here with me, so it will be home. And I will take good care of it, because I want him to do the same with mine.
There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
~Friedrich Nietzsche
The phrase "madly in love" is completely accurate. I feel it, and know it to be true. It's amazing how this emotion can make you feel things on the opposite ends of the spectrum at the same time. That, my friends, is enough to drive anyone mad.
A man reserves his true and deepest love not for the species of woman in whose company he finds himself electrified and enkindled, but for that one in whose company he may feel tenderly drowsy.
~George Jean Nathan
This quote fits my sweetie so well. It's as though he finds a comfortable and secure place when he's laying down beside me with my head on his shoulder, because he always ends up falling asleep. I love that he's so comfortable with me that he can drift off into the most vulnerable state. Especially when he does it with a smile on his face. There's not another feeling like it.
Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear. If you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then you're not really in love at all.
~C. J. Franks
Even though this sort of contradicts the previous one, I still like it and think it is also true. Every touch, every kiss, every time. Sometimes it's a warm fuzzy comfortable feeling, other times it's a shock to my toes. It's never unpleasant.
Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and blows up the bonfire.
~La Rochefoucauld
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" and all that. I really hope this is the case, as I've said before. I really think we've got what it takes, and I can only say that I will do my best to make sure nothing changes.
The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved - loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
~Victor Hugo
Knowing he loves me even though I'm messy, sometimes lazy, stubborn as a mule, and get nasty blemishes on my chin when I'm PMSing makes me think he could be telling the truth about this. Not only does he love me when I'm at my best, but he loves me the rest of the time too. And that is the most solid proof of "love" I can think of.
I wish I had the creativity to put it into my own words, but since I don't, I'm glad others do... and I hope they don't mind my borrowing.
Really Scary.
I've spent a lot of time thinking these last few days... well, thinking when I wasn't making sure to enjoy his company to the best of my ability.
It's a scary thing to realize that once he leaves next Saturday (and that is way too soon) he will not be moving back. He'll be gone. And if our relationship is to continue, I'll have to leave too. And although I love him and can't imagine life with anyone else, it is a bit intimidating to think that I could be going from single to married, and from my comfy spot here, to trying to make a new one elsewhere.
We are at the point in our relationship where it's "get married, or break up" and I don't think either one of us are willing to explore the "break up" option. That man makes me smile entirely too much, and makes me entirely too happy for me to even consider letting him go.
I just hope he feels the same way.
It's a scary thing to realize that once he leaves next Saturday (and that is way too soon) he will not be moving back. He'll be gone. And if our relationship is to continue, I'll have to leave too. And although I love him and can't imagine life with anyone else, it is a bit intimidating to think that I could be going from single to married, and from my comfy spot here, to trying to make a new one elsewhere.
We are at the point in our relationship where it's "get married, or break up" and I don't think either one of us are willing to explore the "break up" option. That man makes me smile entirely too much, and makes me entirely too happy for me to even consider letting him go.
I just hope he feels the same way.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
*Yawn*
I'm up early this morning, for me anyway, because he's on his way over, and I get to spend the late morning/early afternoon with him before work. Hopefully I don't cry when he leaves, because that sucks and I would be going into work looking a mess.
I'm doing everything I can to make sure he can see that I love him. Little presents, lots of cheesiness. I still don't feel like I'm doing enough before he leaves. I wish I knew the proper protocol for this. I hate knowing we're gonna be spending 7 weeks apart, and then another 7 weeks apart after he comes home for a visit. Unless I can hitch a ride with his family down to see him, we'll be spending the better part of six months doing the long distance thing.
Trying not to dwell on it is much easier said than done, but I'm going to try to make the best of this morning, and then all the time we get to spend this weekend.
I'm doing everything I can to make sure he can see that I love him. Little presents, lots of cheesiness. I still don't feel like I'm doing enough before he leaves. I wish I knew the proper protocol for this. I hate knowing we're gonna be spending 7 weeks apart, and then another 7 weeks apart after he comes home for a visit. Unless I can hitch a ride with his family down to see him, we'll be spending the better part of six months doing the long distance thing.
Trying not to dwell on it is much easier said than done, but I'm going to try to make the best of this morning, and then all the time we get to spend this weekend.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
When I Touch You
(Travis Tritt/Stewart Harris)
This old world can lay so heavy on my shoulders...
And this face in my mirror keeps getting older
But no matter how much pressure's on
I can lay it down when I get home
'Cause it all just fades away when I touch you
It's the kind of love
That lingers through the ages
A firm foundation, girl, to see us through
So let the storms of life go right on ragin'
For there's calm inside my heart when I touch you
Years from now when my life's nearly over
And there's nothing more this world needs me to do
If my feeble hand's still strong enough to reach out
I can be the happy man when I touch you
It's the kind of love
That lingers through the ages
Oh, a firm foundation, girl, to see us through...
So let the storms of life go right on ragin'...
For there's calm inside my heart when I touch you...
Yes, it makes everything alright when I touch you...
This song pretty much sums up my feelings right now.
This old world can lay so heavy on my shoulders...
And this face in my mirror keeps getting older
But no matter how much pressure's on
I can lay it down when I get home
'Cause it all just fades away when I touch you
It's the kind of love
That lingers through the ages
A firm foundation, girl, to see us through
So let the storms of life go right on ragin'
For there's calm inside my heart when I touch you
Years from now when my life's nearly over
And there's nothing more this world needs me to do
If my feeble hand's still strong enough to reach out
I can be the happy man when I touch you
It's the kind of love
That lingers through the ages
Oh, a firm foundation, girl, to see us through...
So let the storms of life go right on ragin'...
For there's calm inside my heart when I touch you...
Yes, it makes everything alright when I touch you...
This song pretty much sums up my feelings right now.
I Hate This.
This weekend was absolutely perfect. There's really no other word for it... Until I managed to ruin it tonight as he was leaving. I try so hard to stay strong and happy when he's around, and the last couple days I was okay with him walking out the door because I knew I'd be seeing him the next day. Tonight though, when he said he had to go, I couldn't fight the tears. I couldn't make them stop.
Nothing in my life has been as hard as knowing I'm going to be watching him leave soon. I don't know how to prepare for it. He says his heart will be staying here with me when he leaves. Nobody has ever said anything so romantic to me, ever. He loves me, I know he does. He makes sure of it. I'm trying so hard to borrow some of his confidence that we can make it through this. He acts like it's so easy.
I like challenges. I hate failure. That should make this easier for me...
Right?
Nothing in my life has been as hard as knowing I'm going to be watching him leave soon. I don't know how to prepare for it. He says his heart will be staying here with me when he leaves. Nobody has ever said anything so romantic to me, ever. He loves me, I know he does. He makes sure of it. I'm trying so hard to borrow some of his confidence that we can make it through this. He acts like it's so easy.
I like challenges. I hate failure. That should make this easier for me...
Right?
Monday, June 21, 2010
Date Night :)
For the third night in a row, I get to spend time with him. The last two nights have been amazing, in several ways. We've gotten closer, it seems, because we've actually been able to open up and discuss some things that aren't always so easy to talk about. But, also amazing, because I feel like I've been accepted into his family. Graduation parties, baby pictures, invitations to visit after he moves. It adds up to "you're part of our family now, and we want to see you."
Tonight we're going to stop by and see my mother, who will allow him a bit of revenge. Last night his mom brought out baby pictures, and so tonight my mom will do the same. It's a silly thing, but Mom's never had the opportunity to embarrass me with baby pictures before. Then we're going out to dinner, and back here for movie and snuggle time.
I will not let anything get in the way of me enjoying tonight. It has the makings of being another perfectly wonderful night, and I don't want to risk that. I'll find another time to cry. I've got 19 days before he leaves, and since I have to work stupid hours, I'll have to miss seeing him for a lot of those. I'll save the crying for another night.
Tonight, it's about us, and nothing else.
Tonight we're going to stop by and see my mother, who will allow him a bit of revenge. Last night his mom brought out baby pictures, and so tonight my mom will do the same. It's a silly thing, but Mom's never had the opportunity to embarrass me with baby pictures before. Then we're going out to dinner, and back here for movie and snuggle time.
I will not let anything get in the way of me enjoying tonight. It has the makings of being another perfectly wonderful night, and I don't want to risk that. I'll find another time to cry. I've got 19 days before he leaves, and since I have to work stupid hours, I'll have to miss seeing him for a lot of those. I'll save the crying for another night.
Tonight, it's about us, and nothing else.
Love Matters
Sometimes, there are things we can't verbalize or have difficulty expressing to our significant other. Feelings that need to be expressed but just somehow can't quite make it from what you're feeling, to what needs to be said.
In a relationship, if it is to be successful, that is one hurdle that has to be jumped quite regularly. If your partner doesn't know what you're feeling, then how can they help you deal with it? Or if it's something your partner is doing, how can they fix it? No matter how long you've been together and how well he knows you, your partner will never be psychic. You have to tell him what's going on, and vice versa. This issue is compounded when he lives a few hundred miles away, and you have to deal with a separation for several months.
I'm stuck in that situation right now.
The man I love more than life is moving away in less than 3 weeks. I'm doing everything I can to be the strong supportive woman that he needs in his life, without breaking down crying every time I see him. It absolutely kills me inside that I won't be able to see him regularly like I have over the last year and a half of our relationship.
I hate to say I wish he wasn't leaving, because that sounds like I don't want him chasing his dreams, and catching them if he can. I don't want to make him feel bad because he's getting a few steps closer to getting what he wants in life.
But I do need an outlet.
I need a place to spill out all the things that keep swirling around in my head so I can pick out what really matters to discuss with him. I'm positive that our relationship will not suffer terribly from this, and that I'm hoping the cliche of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" proves true in this case, rather than "out of sight, out of mind."
I need somewhere to take the the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, calm them, organize them, put them into words. Communication is key, and I need a tool to make it easier for me. I will definitely run the gamut of emotions from elation to depression, and likely within the course of a single entry. I may go days between entries, or I may go hours.
This is the man who has stuck with me through the last year and a half. We've dealt with a lot of things that might cause other couples to fall apart. He deserves my support, and he deserves nothing less than clear communication.
He's fond of telling me that if we can survive this, we can survive anything.
Love can survive. I won't accept any other result.
In a relationship, if it is to be successful, that is one hurdle that has to be jumped quite regularly. If your partner doesn't know what you're feeling, then how can they help you deal with it? Or if it's something your partner is doing, how can they fix it? No matter how long you've been together and how well he knows you, your partner will never be psychic. You have to tell him what's going on, and vice versa. This issue is compounded when he lives a few hundred miles away, and you have to deal with a separation for several months.
I'm stuck in that situation right now.
The man I love more than life is moving away in less than 3 weeks. I'm doing everything I can to be the strong supportive woman that he needs in his life, without breaking down crying every time I see him. It absolutely kills me inside that I won't be able to see him regularly like I have over the last year and a half of our relationship.
I hate to say I wish he wasn't leaving, because that sounds like I don't want him chasing his dreams, and catching them if he can. I don't want to make him feel bad because he's getting a few steps closer to getting what he wants in life.
But I do need an outlet.
I need a place to spill out all the things that keep swirling around in my head so I can pick out what really matters to discuss with him. I'm positive that our relationship will not suffer terribly from this, and that I'm hoping the cliche of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" proves true in this case, rather than "out of sight, out of mind."
I need somewhere to take the the whirlwind of thoughts in my head, calm them, organize them, put them into words. Communication is key, and I need a tool to make it easier for me. I will definitely run the gamut of emotions from elation to depression, and likely within the course of a single entry. I may go days between entries, or I may go hours.
This is the man who has stuck with me through the last year and a half. We've dealt with a lot of things that might cause other couples to fall apart. He deserves my support, and he deserves nothing less than clear communication.
He's fond of telling me that if we can survive this, we can survive anything.
Love can survive. I won't accept any other result.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)