My brain is all jumbled right now. These last few weeks have been the most amazing I've had in a long time... due to the fact that I've been able to spend so much time with him. I can't think of anything else but trying to make him happy before he leaves.
We've spent so much time together, just the two of us and with family... It's so hard to believe that in 4 short days I'll be helping him move into a new place 7 hours away from me.
I'm strong, when I have to be. I hate being weak. I can't help crying about him leaving though. I don't know how to handle this. He says I'm handling it very well, and I've surprised myself by not picking any stupid little fights with him over it, but I still feel like the frequency of tears being present is way too high.
I want him to miss me, and want to be back with me... but I don't want him to regret his decision to follow his dream in any way.
I can't keep the scary negative thoughts from popping into my head. I want to believe the good ones, but don't want to get my hopes up lest they be shot down.
I want to tell everyone how proud I am of him, and how happy I am to see him get what he wants, and at the same time I just want to hold on tight and put my face in his neck and not let go.
I don't want to cry over it because it shows weakness and that leads to people walking out of my life, but at the same time I don't want to appear indifferent as though it doesn't matter that he's leaving.
Tomorrow is our last day just to ourselves before he leaves. I will be making and freezing some of his favorites so I can send them down with him when he goes. We'll also be making some prints from pictures taken during some of our trips so he can have them to decorate his dorm.
Friday will be the good-bye gathering, Saturday will be the trip down and the moving in, Sunday.... Sunday is the day I'm dreading the most. The drive home. The drive without him. The 7 hour ride in the car with his family judging me for crying too much (or maybe not enough?).
I wish I could settle my brain. I haven't slept well in a long time because I'm so stressed about him leaving. I sometimes think, "it's not a very long separation, and we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it." And that line of thought keeps a smile on my face most of the time.... however, the other one that sneaks up when I'm feeling particularly low, "he's leaving, and when he gets down there he'll probably decide to take a path other than the one we've discussed."
I hate having such a roller coaster in my head. My brain doesn't like being a track, especially when the cars are threatening to tip over the side.
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