I've gotten serious with the diet lately. After playing around with it, gaining and losing the same 5 pounds, I decided to get down to business. I joined an awesome forum for support on my journey. (Visit here) I've only been there for 2 days, but I think it was an amazing find. The people there are so supportive, and in all stages of weight loss, from just starting, to dealing with the day to day of finally reaching where they wanted to be... and everything in between. There are amazing, positive inspiring stories of people who have lost 100, even 200 pounds. I think this is a very important step for me. Having cheerleaders.
However, what has me depressed tonight, is that I finally got the courage to take a "before" photo, so I can track my progress. OH MY GOSH I look so awful. I don't know how my HTB can look at me and think "this woman is beautiful, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her" BUT HE DOES. Bless him. I think he's blind to it or something, because I look absolutely awful and I NEVER want to look like this again. I can't believe I'm getting married at the heaviest I've ever been.
But, hopefully by the time the next 8 weeks roll by (and I'm hoping I can drop at least 20 more lbs by then - doubt it, but it's worth a shot) I will look at least a little better than I do in the photos I took a few minutes ago. YUCK.
Wedding Ticker
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
A bit of spiritual reflection.
So far in this blog I've gone on about my wedding plans and the difficulty of along distance relationship with my fiance, without really addressing the biggest issue of our union. My fiance's faith, and my lack of a religious background.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Eventful spring break!
It's been a crazy eventful week! So much got done for the wedding, and I got to spend a ton of time with the HTB. (68 days until he goes from 'hubby to be' to just 'hubby' yay!)
Let's see. Where to start... Well, on a sad note. HTB came home from school a couple days early because his grandfather had passed away, and he wanted to attend the memorial service. I took the day off work and went with him. It was a beautiful service, and they served lunch afterward. We got quizzed about our wedding, and I was happy to offer something cheerful to focus on. It truly was a celebration of his life, and not a sad, mourning his death sort of service. He'd been really sick, so it was definitely a blessing to see his suffering end.
After the service, we hung out at HTB's family's house and just spent time together. There was cards, and food, and playing with the baby. Later in the evening, HTB and I got to spend some time together at my place, generally re-learning how to be together after six weeks apart.
Sunday, I worked, quite literally all day. I clocked in before 8am, and when I clocked out to leave for the day, it was almost 10pm. Yes there was a 3 hour or so interval I spent at home between leaving at 5pm and going back at 8:30, but still. It made for a very long day. HTB and I got in his truck after the meeting and went to IHOP and had a cheapy delicious heart attack on a plate type meal, then we went to Walmart, to look at some prices for things, and generally walk around to settle dinner. Then it was back to my place for a little while.
Monday I had to work a late shift and didn't get to see him (sadface!)
Tuesday, he got to my house around 3 or 4 AND I DROVE HIS TRUCK! over to my mom's place. Yep. That's right ladies and gents, he let me drive his truck. That's how much my man loves and trusts me. :P We hung out with my parents, had dinner (chili dogs! I was craving and mom had made chili, I took advantage), then headed back to my place, by 8, so we could watch Glee (more evidence that he loves me... he sat through the whole show). Then it was relax with the remote/snuggle up time until he went home around 2 or 3am.
Wednesday, was a busy busy wedding day. He got to my house around 12:30, and we headed out to meet with the florist. We got all of our flowers taken care of, and at a very reasonable price. Here's hoping the flowers are pretty and alive when we get them :) At the end of our meeting with the florist (all paid), we met up with the photographer (Josi, previously mentioned) and talked with her, got her set up with the details and then went to the church so she could have a look around. I also got to look around and see where my girls and I would be getting ready. (I'm so excited about this, you have no idea).
After the photographer was on her way home, HTB and I stopped for some foods and then headed back to his place where we decided on a hymn for during the service. After that, it was off to church for Ash Wednesday worship. I'd never been to an Ash Wednesday service, so it was completely new to me. Afterward when we were all decorated with our ash crosses on our foreheads, we chatted and yammered and then HTB took me out on our 'Valentine's Day' dinner date that we didn't get to have. We got a lot of looks, but I really didn't care. For some reason, even though I'm slightly uncomfortable during the service because it's unfamiliar, I always just feel GOOD at the end. Then since it was late, back to my place for snuggle up/tv time. It was a really good day.
Thursday, we went over and spent the evening with HTB's other set of parents (mom and step-dad) and the kids. Watched some TV, talked and joked, had another dinner of chili dogs (which made me laugh, and probably factored into my slightly elevated blood pressure today all that sodium!). His mom gave us a couple movies to watch because they were entertaining, and we left around 10, 10:30, and went to Denny's for dessert and coffee. After we finished our calorie fest, I wasn't feelin so hot, so we went across the street to the 24hr grocery store and picked up some Nyquil. I took that when we got back to my place, and he stayed with me until I fell asleep. So super sweet.
Friday, well, Friday started out kinda poorly for me. I'm requesting gift cards/cash/checks as presents, but so many people are all "But what do you need, I want to get you a present"... and I'm all "We don't really need anything because we have enough, and I don't want to pack up a bunch of new stuff when I move in 5 months"... Nobody wants to listen to that though, and.... well, this is rant for another time. I had a bit of a melt down on the phone with my mom, then HTB came to pick me up and we went to Target to maybe make a registry, but I was in such a foul mood just looking at STUFF made me angry. So we went over to my parents' place for a bit then went to the bar to hang out with *my* family. Meaning my parents' and their biker friends. It was a ton of fun (for me anyway, dono about HTB) and the food was good. Then it was back to my place for the rest of the night. We watched a movie, and then he went home.
Saturday was bittersweet. It was our last day together for his trip home, and I won't get to see him again until Easter. We ended up making another visit to his mom's house to see his parents, and his little brother and sister. Then we went to the other family's house (dad and stepmom) for dinner and chill time with the fam. My soon-to-be nephew was there again, and he still loves me. Yay! Along with lots of other family. His brother and sister in law (parents of the nephew), his sister, and his grandmother. His stepmom made some yummy stuffed pork chops and his grandmother made a blueberry pie. Then we left and stopped at walmart for a handful of groceries that I needed, and it was back to my house for the rest of the evening.
I didn't want him to leave. I told him he had to go by midnight or so, so I could get at least six hours of sleep. He didn't leave until almost 2, and then I had to set the clock forward, and work all day Sunday on very little sleep and a lot of sadness that he was gone.
But, just like he's good at, he called me as soon as I got home, because he knew what time I was gonna be there. He's just wonderful like that.
Today I went to the doctor and got my prescription for the pill, so that's in my system and ready to go once we're married.
That's pretty much the summary of my week :)
Let's see. Where to start... Well, on a sad note. HTB came home from school a couple days early because his grandfather had passed away, and he wanted to attend the memorial service. I took the day off work and went with him. It was a beautiful service, and they served lunch afterward. We got quizzed about our wedding, and I was happy to offer something cheerful to focus on. It truly was a celebration of his life, and not a sad, mourning his death sort of service. He'd been really sick, so it was definitely a blessing to see his suffering end.
After the service, we hung out at HTB's family's house and just spent time together. There was cards, and food, and playing with the baby. Later in the evening, HTB and I got to spend some time together at my place, generally re-learning how to be together after six weeks apart.
Sunday, I worked, quite literally all day. I clocked in before 8am, and when I clocked out to leave for the day, it was almost 10pm. Yes there was a 3 hour or so interval I spent at home between leaving at 5pm and going back at 8:30, but still. It made for a very long day. HTB and I got in his truck after the meeting and went to IHOP and had a cheapy delicious heart attack on a plate type meal, then we went to Walmart, to look at some prices for things, and generally walk around to settle dinner. Then it was back to my place for a little while.
Monday I had to work a late shift and didn't get to see him (sadface!)
Tuesday, he got to my house around 3 or 4 AND I DROVE HIS TRUCK! over to my mom's place. Yep. That's right ladies and gents, he let me drive his truck. That's how much my man loves and trusts me. :P We hung out with my parents, had dinner (chili dogs! I was craving and mom had made chili, I took advantage), then headed back to my place, by 8, so we could watch Glee (more evidence that he loves me... he sat through the whole show). Then it was relax with the remote/snuggle up time until he went home around 2 or 3am.
Wednesday, was a busy busy wedding day. He got to my house around 12:30, and we headed out to meet with the florist. We got all of our flowers taken care of, and at a very reasonable price. Here's hoping the flowers are pretty and alive when we get them :) At the end of our meeting with the florist (all paid), we met up with the photographer (Josi, previously mentioned) and talked with her, got her set up with the details and then went to the church so she could have a look around. I also got to look around and see where my girls and I would be getting ready. (I'm so excited about this, you have no idea).
After the photographer was on her way home, HTB and I stopped for some foods and then headed back to his place where we decided on a hymn for during the service. After that, it was off to church for Ash Wednesday worship. I'd never been to an Ash Wednesday service, so it was completely new to me. Afterward when we were all decorated with our ash crosses on our foreheads, we chatted and yammered and then HTB took me out on our 'Valentine's Day' dinner date that we didn't get to have. We got a lot of looks, but I really didn't care. For some reason, even though I'm slightly uncomfortable during the service because it's unfamiliar, I always just feel GOOD at the end. Then since it was late, back to my place for snuggle up/tv time. It was a really good day.
Thursday, we went over and spent the evening with HTB's other set of parents (mom and step-dad) and the kids. Watched some TV, talked and joked, had another dinner of chili dogs (which made me laugh, and probably factored into my slightly elevated blood pressure today all that sodium!). His mom gave us a couple movies to watch because they were entertaining, and we left around 10, 10:30, and went to Denny's for dessert and coffee. After we finished our calorie fest, I wasn't feelin so hot, so we went across the street to the 24hr grocery store and picked up some Nyquil. I took that when we got back to my place, and he stayed with me until I fell asleep. So super sweet.
Friday, well, Friday started out kinda poorly for me. I'm requesting gift cards/cash/checks as presents, but so many people are all "But what do you need, I want to get you a present"... and I'm all "We don't really need anything because we have enough, and I don't want to pack up a bunch of new stuff when I move in 5 months"... Nobody wants to listen to that though, and.... well, this is rant for another time. I had a bit of a melt down on the phone with my mom, then HTB came to pick me up and we went to Target to maybe make a registry, but I was in such a foul mood just looking at STUFF made me angry. So we went over to my parents' place for a bit then went to the bar to hang out with *my* family. Meaning my parents' and their biker friends. It was a ton of fun (for me anyway, dono about HTB) and the food was good. Then it was back to my place for the rest of the night. We watched a movie, and then he went home.
Saturday was bittersweet. It was our last day together for his trip home, and I won't get to see him again until Easter. We ended up making another visit to his mom's house to see his parents, and his little brother and sister. Then we went to the other family's house (dad and stepmom) for dinner and chill time with the fam. My soon-to-be nephew was there again, and he still loves me. Yay! Along with lots of other family. His brother and sister in law (parents of the nephew), his sister, and his grandmother. His stepmom made some yummy stuffed pork chops and his grandmother made a blueberry pie. Then we left and stopped at walmart for a handful of groceries that I needed, and it was back to my house for the rest of the evening.
I didn't want him to leave. I told him he had to go by midnight or so, so I could get at least six hours of sleep. He didn't leave until almost 2, and then I had to set the clock forward, and work all day Sunday on very little sleep and a lot of sadness that he was gone.
But, just like he's good at, he called me as soon as I got home, because he knew what time I was gonna be there. He's just wonderful like that.
Today I went to the doctor and got my prescription for the pill, so that's in my system and ready to go once we're married.
That's pretty much the summary of my week :)
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Almost a diet?
So, I've lost about 7 pounds in the last 3 weeks. I can't say I've been working hard. All I've done is stop drinking sodas and sugary juices. I just drink water most of the time, and skim milk with one meal. Also, I've mostly eliminated sweets from my diet. I will eat a pudding cup, or a small piece of candy, but I don't eat candy bars or snack cakes anymore. Or potato chips, well, I switched to baked. They provide that bit of saltiness I crave, but they just aren't as good as the regular kind, so I don't eat as much. EXCEPT for baked Cheetos... those are better than the regular I think. SO GOOD. Lastly, I'm limiting my fast food intake to once a week, and only a small order when I do go, instead of multiple days with large meals when I just don't feel like cooking late at night and I'm hungry after work. (Translation of this paragraph: I've changed what I consume, entirely)
I need to get some exercising into my schedule so I can get rid of a little bit more of this weight before 1) my doctor's appointment on March 14th and 2) my dress fitting on a yet to be determined date in April. After looking at a work schedule I'm thinking April 6th or 7th since that will be about six weeks before the wedding.
I keep getting all this wedding stuff in, and every time FedEx or UPS stops at my house I get a little more excited. Seriously, who other than a bride gets all a-squee over a cake stand? Okay, aside from brides and bakers in any case.
We have appointments with the florist and the photographer next week to sign the papers, and give up some cash to secure the services. The invitations are getting printed today and mailed out tomorrow. SO EXCITED. A little over 2 months to go until I don't have to be a couple states away from my significant other.
And that means I really need to start packing stuff up to make room for him to move in. Yikes. That's a lot of work to do...
I need to get some exercising into my schedule so I can get rid of a little bit more of this weight before 1) my doctor's appointment on March 14th and 2) my dress fitting on a yet to be determined date in April. After looking at a work schedule I'm thinking April 6th or 7th since that will be about six weeks before the wedding.
I keep getting all this wedding stuff in, and every time FedEx or UPS stops at my house I get a little more excited. Seriously, who other than a bride gets all a-squee over a cake stand? Okay, aside from brides and bakers in any case.
We have appointments with the florist and the photographer next week to sign the papers, and give up some cash to secure the services. The invitations are getting printed today and mailed out tomorrow. SO EXCITED. A little over 2 months to go until I don't have to be a couple states away from my significant other.
And that means I really need to start packing stuff up to make room for him to move in. Yikes. That's a lot of work to do...
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Some doubts...
No, no doubts about marrying the HTB. I love him, completely and without question. I'm just really really worried about how well I'm going to do in the role of "pastor's wife"... I'm not so sure it's a good fit for me.
I keep telling myself I'm marrying the man, not the job... but in this case, the man is the job. He just can't leave his work at the office and come home.
I don't know if I can handle the constant scrutiny, the 24/7 aspect of the job, and the lack of privacy this type of job will come with. I like being able to relax and be me. If I want to be lazy for a day, and spend it in my pajamas and walk around eating ice cream out of the container, I should be able to do that. Not be expected to be here, there, everywhere and organizing 8253 things.
I don't like that people will be prying into my life, and my background and judging me. I especially don't like that they are likely to find me lacking due to my non-existent religious background.
I hate feeling like I'm not good enough to be the wife he needs. :(
I keep telling myself I'm marrying the man, not the job... but in this case, the man is the job. He just can't leave his work at the office and come home.
I don't know if I can handle the constant scrutiny, the 24/7 aspect of the job, and the lack of privacy this type of job will come with. I like being able to relax and be me. If I want to be lazy for a day, and spend it in my pajamas and walk around eating ice cream out of the container, I should be able to do that. Not be expected to be here, there, everywhere and organizing 8253 things.
I don't like that people will be prying into my life, and my background and judging me. I especially don't like that they are likely to find me lacking due to my non-existent religious background.
I hate feeling like I'm not good enough to be the wife he needs. :(
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's day....
Well, I got flowers...
but they aren't open yet, so tomorrow i will take another picture, and maybe the irises will be their pretty selves.
in other news, i'm sick and eff this day.
but they aren't open yet, so tomorrow i will take another picture, and maybe the irises will be their pretty selves.
in other news, i'm sick and eff this day.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
I need to vent!
This has nothing to do with getting married, or dealing with domestic issues between myself and the HTB, but HOLY CRAP I am so mad at work and I really just can't stand it, so I need to vent.
WHY do they expect me to be the one responsible for EVERYTHING at my position? I'm neither a manager, nor a supervisor, and I don't make the equivalent pay to either position, SO IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to make sure everyone else is doing their job. My job is to do MY job, not theirs, not make sure they do theirs, or tell them what they are doing wrong. If you want me to play that role, give me the paycheck and the title and I'm all for it. Just because I know what I'm doing after over 4 years, doesn't mean I'm the only one that should be doing it. YOU ARE TRAINED, DO YOUR DAMN JOB YOURSELF.
I do it all. I help the customers, I keep tabs on the workers, I stop the theft, I answer the phone, I answer the questions, I take the orders and set up the deliveries... but no matter what, if SOMETHING goes wrong, even though there are several other people there who could have done the job, I'M THE ONE that gets the blame for it. WHY IS THAT?! Is it because the other 3 people standing around didn't know what they were supposed to do, and therefore I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing to do what they didn't know they were supposed to do? FUCK NO. Know your job, that's what you get paid for.
I don't mind helping. I don't mind making suggestions. I don't mind answering a question here or there. But it is not my job to train people who are on the same level as I am and do not know their job! I'm not their supervisor, and I'm not their boss, it's not my responsibility, AND I'M TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT FOR IT!!
/rant
And now it's time for lunch.
WHY do they expect me to be the one responsible for EVERYTHING at my position? I'm neither a manager, nor a supervisor, and I don't make the equivalent pay to either position, SO IT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY to make sure everyone else is doing their job. My job is to do MY job, not theirs, not make sure they do theirs, or tell them what they are doing wrong. If you want me to play that role, give me the paycheck and the title and I'm all for it. Just because I know what I'm doing after over 4 years, doesn't mean I'm the only one that should be doing it. YOU ARE TRAINED, DO YOUR DAMN JOB YOURSELF.
I do it all. I help the customers, I keep tabs on the workers, I stop the theft, I answer the phone, I answer the questions, I take the orders and set up the deliveries... but no matter what, if SOMETHING goes wrong, even though there are several other people there who could have done the job, I'M THE ONE that gets the blame for it. WHY IS THAT?! Is it because the other 3 people standing around didn't know what they were supposed to do, and therefore I'm supposed to stop what I'm doing to do what they didn't know they were supposed to do? FUCK NO. Know your job, that's what you get paid for.
I don't mind helping. I don't mind making suggestions. I don't mind answering a question here or there. But it is not my job to train people who are on the same level as I am and do not know their job! I'm not their supervisor, and I'm not their boss, it's not my responsibility, AND I'M TIRED OF GETTING YELLED AT FOR IT!!
/rant
And now it's time for lunch.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
This is Bad.
Normally after he leaves to go back to school, it takes me a day to adjust, then I'm fine. Not this time.
Maybe it was because he was here for so much longer than he typically is. Or maybe it's because I was on my period and thus had the hormone induced mood swings. Or maybe I'm just really seriously over being so far away from him.
I talk to him. I pray for strength. I talk to my friends. I pray for patience. But none of it seems to be working. I just want him with me, not hundreds of miles away. I don't know why it's so much harder this time. You can only be so strong for so long. Even the most flexible branches can only bend so far before they break, and I think I'm getting to that point.
I sleep for 10 hours a day. Much more than is healthy. And it's because instead of getting up and out of bed, I go back to sleep so I can dream that he's here. I'm in a funk all day because I know he's not going to be there when I get home, and then I go to bed and I'm sad because I'm alone.
It feels worse than after my worst break up, and that's even with the comfort of speaking to him daily.
How do you continue in a situation that you simply don't have the strength to continue? I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel and don't know what to do...
Maybe it was because he was here for so much longer than he typically is. Or maybe it's because I was on my period and thus had the hormone induced mood swings. Or maybe I'm just really seriously over being so far away from him.
I talk to him. I pray for strength. I talk to my friends. I pray for patience. But none of it seems to be working. I just want him with me, not hundreds of miles away. I don't know why it's so much harder this time. You can only be so strong for so long. Even the most flexible branches can only bend so far before they break, and I think I'm getting to that point.
I sleep for 10 hours a day. Much more than is healthy. And it's because instead of getting up and out of bed, I go back to sleep so I can dream that he's here. I'm in a funk all day because I know he's not going to be there when I get home, and then I go to bed and I'm sad because I'm alone.
It feels worse than after my worst break up, and that's even with the comfort of speaking to him daily.
How do you continue in a situation that you simply don't have the strength to continue? I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel and don't know what to do...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Long Distance Difficulty...
Most of the time I like to think I'm handling the long distance situation currently in my relationship fairly well. I know it's necessary, and I know that once we're married we won't have to separate like this again. My practical side is very good at offering me those comforting kind of words.
However my emotional side is screaming like a 2 year old who just had her cookie taken away. And possibly needs a nap.
In other words, I know it's important and necessary for us to deal with this, but I really don't like it.
It's bad tonight. Really bad. It's only been a couple days since I've seen him, but I miss him so much it's a physical ache. I always thought that was something that only occurred in fiction novels, but now I get it. I miss his touch and his kisses. The hugs and the laughs. His voice and his smile. And that look he gets when I do something slightly obnoxious or offensive and he wants to laugh but doesn't want to encourage me.
I know six weeks isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things, but when you're on day 1 of 42, it seems like a life time. And I know I've made it through before. I can do it again, because he's worth the wait. But tonight I just want him curled up next to me snoring, then telling me he's only sleeping a little bit when I poke him.
Love endures. It has before and I'm sure it will again, but I'm so so tired of these tests.
However my emotional side is screaming like a 2 year old who just had her cookie taken away. And possibly needs a nap.
In other words, I know it's important and necessary for us to deal with this, but I really don't like it.
It's bad tonight. Really bad. It's only been a couple days since I've seen him, but I miss him so much it's a physical ache. I always thought that was something that only occurred in fiction novels, but now I get it. I miss his touch and his kisses. The hugs and the laughs. His voice and his smile. And that look he gets when I do something slightly obnoxious or offensive and he wants to laugh but doesn't want to encourage me.
I know six weeks isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things, but when you're on day 1 of 42, it seems like a life time. And I know I've made it through before. I can do it again, because he's worth the wait. But tonight I just want him curled up next to me snoring, then telling me he's only sleeping a little bit when I poke him.
Love endures. It has before and I'm sure it will again, but I'm so so tired of these tests.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Day 1 of wedding diet?
Yeah... I so fail.
Today, after a good start, I decided to make it a test day. To sort of keep track of what I'm eating, and how far off the chart I'm going so I could get an idea of where and what I need to cut.
Holy Cow. No wonder I'm so fat! Yeesh. I didn't know PBJs were so awful for a diet. I should have guessed though, since peanut butter is one of the things used in the 'weight gain' smoothies at Tropical Smoothie... BUT I WANTED TO STAY BLISSFULLY UNAWARE! I love PBJ :( and my cream cheese and chive crackers will likely need to disappear and not reappear because they are a whopping 5 points per pack.
The good news is, the popcorn I have is good stuff, only a point per serving. I'll have to double check, but if I can get that salty, buttery fix, I'll be alright.
AND there is MORE good news. HTB is making good time heading back to school, and we've got the church for the ceremony, and I made the reservations at the beach hotel for the wedding night... you know, because we're gonna spend so much time looking at the water outside... and my dentist appointment went well. THANK GOD FOR THAT because my bank account is tired of me needing to go into that money vacuum.
Everything is shaping up nicely, and the only thing that would make me happier is if HTB was here to see it. I miss him already. :(
Today, after a good start, I decided to make it a test day. To sort of keep track of what I'm eating, and how far off the chart I'm going so I could get an idea of where and what I need to cut.
Holy Cow. No wonder I'm so fat! Yeesh. I didn't know PBJs were so awful for a diet. I should have guessed though, since peanut butter is one of the things used in the 'weight gain' smoothies at Tropical Smoothie... BUT I WANTED TO STAY BLISSFULLY UNAWARE! I love PBJ :( and my cream cheese and chive crackers will likely need to disappear and not reappear because they are a whopping 5 points per pack.
The good news is, the popcorn I have is good stuff, only a point per serving. I'll have to double check, but if I can get that salty, buttery fix, I'll be alright.
AND there is MORE good news. HTB is making good time heading back to school, and we've got the church for the ceremony, and I made the reservations at the beach hotel for the wedding night... you know, because we're gonna spend so much time looking at the water outside... and my dentist appointment went well. THANK GOD FOR THAT because my bank account is tired of me needing to go into that money vacuum.
Everything is shaping up nicely, and the only thing that would make me happier is if HTB was here to see it. I miss him already. :(
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