So far in this blog I've gone on about my wedding plans and the difficulty of along distance relationship with my fiance, without really addressing the biggest issue of our union. My fiance's faith, and my lack of a religious background.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment