Remember how in my last post I was all "I'll review every chapter..." Well, I didn't anticipate sitting down with the book and reading 70 pages without stopping. I am seriously enjoying this book. The author tells you all the things you are supposed to already know because you go to church... then explains how you are aware, you just don't comprehend fully the meaning.
What I found particularly meaningful to me was the chapter about God's love for us, and how we need to put away our shame because there is nothing we can do to make God love us less. So many people are willing to say "God loves you!" but they are not nearly as willing to say "God loves ME." I am one of them. Fully content to believe in God, but not able to accept that He could love me. Not after all I've done...
But like any real father, our Heavenly Father loves us even when we misbehave. I really need to work on believing that.
Wedding Ticker
Friday, March 2, 2012
The Christian Atheist
In an effort to expand my horizons in this Christian faith that is so easy to claim, but so difficult to find people who actually understand it or act like it... I am going to start reading faith-based books to give myself some education, and some perspective. If I am going to be an active fixture in a congregation, it would make sense for me to understand what's going on. So many people go to church on Sunday, and forget to be Christian the rest of the week. On Sunday, they go to church, they read what they are supposed to read, say what they are supposed to say, and sing what they are supposed to sing, then go home. I know, because I used to be the same way.
Now I go to church, and though I have to read the proper wording off the paper, I mean what I say. I sing to praise, not to sing... and I hope the Lord forgives my tone-deaf attempts. I listen to the Bible passages that are read, and the sermon that is given, and try to apply it to my life. It's not always easy, and I'm not always successful, but I try and I hope that is enough.
The book I've picked up to read is called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeshel. The teaser on the front says "Believing in God, but living as if he doesn't exist." I feel a lot of people do the same, and I don't want to be one of them. From what I gather, this book will be about the author's personal experiences, and lessons learned. Hopefully I can learn from his mistakes.
I will review each chapter as I read.
Now I go to church, and though I have to read the proper wording off the paper, I mean what I say. I sing to praise, not to sing... and I hope the Lord forgives my tone-deaf attempts. I listen to the Bible passages that are read, and the sermon that is given, and try to apply it to my life. It's not always easy, and I'm not always successful, but I try and I hope that is enough.
The book I've picked up to read is called The Christian Atheist by Craig Groeshel. The teaser on the front says "Believing in God, but living as if he doesn't exist." I feel a lot of people do the same, and I don't want to be one of them. From what I gather, this book will be about the author's personal experiences, and lessons learned. Hopefully I can learn from his mistakes.
I will review each chapter as I read.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Prayer for the Day: Avoiding Sin
The topic of today's prayer is "avoiding sin"... in regards to being angry. When you are angry, it leads you to behave poorly. You call names, make threats, hurl accusations, and generally behave in a very irrational manner. The anger is not the sin, the behavior while angry is the sin.
I feel I am very lucky in this. I do get angry, everyone does. However, when I am angry, I plainly state "I am angry and not feeling very rational right now, proceed at your own risk." My husband has seen this, and he appreciates it. I am perfectly willing to discuss something that has me highly irritated a little later so I can let the bulk of the reflex anger fade, and my rational mind is not clouded by IAMSOANGRYRIGHTNOW! Screaming and yelling don't solve any problems. I am the first to admit that I get loud when I am passionate about a subject. Not so much out of anger, but more out of passion for the topic. I want you to know THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
And we do that. We talk in caps lock when we're angry. Often without use of a space bar, too. All the words run together in a loud rush of irrational verbal diarrhea. We need to keep in mind that anger is okay, poor behavior - sinning - in the face of such anger, is what gets us into trouble. Pray to keep yourself from those behaviors during an angry state, don't pray to not get angry. I doubt bottling it up is the best way to deal with it. Get angry, just don't get mean, nasty, insulting, abusive, etc.
Instead of asking God to help me from getting angry, the next time I am upset I will ask Him, as the prayer says, to "guide me away from sin until I can speak words of peace and comfort once again." I will beseech the Lord to help me be peaceful, or at least be somewhat rational instead of insulting, the next time I am angry. My husband, who is the person I interact with the most, does not need my crazy, loud, irrational drivel. He needs comfort and peace to help keep him from being distracted from his studies, even when I feel as though he has committed some wrong against me. I will pray for the strength to stay calm and rational in discussion of a disagreement or a perceived insult.
The passage quoted for this prayer is from Ephesians 4:26 (KJV) "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
I am assuming this is where the old saying "Don't go to bed angry" comes from. But what I find interesting is the next line, that is not quoted... "Neither give place to the devil." (From KJV)... It is in that moment when you let go of your rational side and give in to the negative emotions that the devil can jump right in and lead you astray and have a field day with the results. Your anger can have so many negative effects on the people around you.
For example, if in my anger, I said something to my husband that insulted him and made him angry, then he went off to class in a foul mood... there is great potential that he could either upset or offend someone else in the class in his anger, or simply not comprehend the lessons that were being discussed that session. Which in turn means he has a tough time with homework, and the person he made angry goes home and makes his or her spouse angry... and the chain reaction can go on and on. The devil wins, not just over you specifically, but everyone touched by the chain reaction to your anger.
This is how I interpret this prayer, and this passage. I am neither a theologian, nor a studied member of the Christian faith. Mostly I feel like the short version of this prayer could be "Dear God, please don't let me do anything stupid while I'm angry."... And that is a prayer I've said many, many times, and will likely say again. It's short, but very to the point, and I think it sums up the meaning of this prayer nicely.
I feel I am very lucky in this. I do get angry, everyone does. However, when I am angry, I plainly state "I am angry and not feeling very rational right now, proceed at your own risk." My husband has seen this, and he appreciates it. I am perfectly willing to discuss something that has me highly irritated a little later so I can let the bulk of the reflex anger fade, and my rational mind is not clouded by IAMSOANGRYRIGHTNOW! Screaming and yelling don't solve any problems. I am the first to admit that I get loud when I am passionate about a subject. Not so much out of anger, but more out of passion for the topic. I want you to know THIS IS HOW I FEEL.
And we do that. We talk in caps lock when we're angry. Often without use of a space bar, too. All the words run together in a loud rush of irrational verbal diarrhea. We need to keep in mind that anger is okay, poor behavior - sinning - in the face of such anger, is what gets us into trouble. Pray to keep yourself from those behaviors during an angry state, don't pray to not get angry. I doubt bottling it up is the best way to deal with it. Get angry, just don't get mean, nasty, insulting, abusive, etc.
Instead of asking God to help me from getting angry, the next time I am upset I will ask Him, as the prayer says, to "guide me away from sin until I can speak words of peace and comfort once again." I will beseech the Lord to help me be peaceful, or at least be somewhat rational instead of insulting, the next time I am angry. My husband, who is the person I interact with the most, does not need my crazy, loud, irrational drivel. He needs comfort and peace to help keep him from being distracted from his studies, even when I feel as though he has committed some wrong against me. I will pray for the strength to stay calm and rational in discussion of a disagreement or a perceived insult.
The passage quoted for this prayer is from Ephesians 4:26 (KJV) "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath."
I am assuming this is where the old saying "Don't go to bed angry" comes from. But what I find interesting is the next line, that is not quoted... "Neither give place to the devil." (From KJV)... It is in that moment when you let go of your rational side and give in to the negative emotions that the devil can jump right in and lead you astray and have a field day with the results. Your anger can have so many negative effects on the people around you.
For example, if in my anger, I said something to my husband that insulted him and made him angry, then he went off to class in a foul mood... there is great potential that he could either upset or offend someone else in the class in his anger, or simply not comprehend the lessons that were being discussed that session. Which in turn means he has a tough time with homework, and the person he made angry goes home and makes his or her spouse angry... and the chain reaction can go on and on. The devil wins, not just over you specifically, but everyone touched by the chain reaction to your anger.
This is how I interpret this prayer, and this passage. I am neither a theologian, nor a studied member of the Christian faith. Mostly I feel like the short version of this prayer could be "Dear God, please don't let me do anything stupid while I'm angry."... And that is a prayer I've said many, many times, and will likely say again. It's short, but very to the point, and I think it sums up the meaning of this prayer nicely.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Prayers and Promises
Recently on campus we've started a wellness initiative. It is a friendly competition where groups of 4 earn points by doing various activities to promote mental, spiritual, and physical wellness. Resting, praying, exercising, and eating proper amounts of fruits, veggies and whole grains are all a part of the program. The eating, exercising, and resting bit are easy enough for me. I do all of those on my own anyway. It's the spiritual wellness part that has me stumped and feeling a bit like a drag on my team, especially with each of the other 3 members being seminary students and on the way to becoming pastors.
So, in an effort to help my team, but also help myself grow in my faith, I've picked up a book that my mother-in-law gave to me as a bridal shower gift. It's titled "Prayers and Promises for Women" by Toni Sortor. I know it will take more than just reading pre-written prayers, with the coinciding passage from the Bible to help me spiritually. So I decided to do the one thing that always helps me organize my thoughts, and write about it.
I will simply read the book of prayers in the order they appear, then write my feelings and personal applications of that prayer and how it can help me in my life. I know it seems a little awkward, but writing has always been the best way for me to get my thoughts in order, and for them to make sense.
The first prayer I read was about anger. Controlling anger, specifically. Finding a way to let go of the anger in order to keep a bad situation from getting worse. Staying calm instead of yelling. In general, being the peace keeper. The passage quoted for this prayer is Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." I read this, in layman's terms "it's hard to stay angry at/with/around someone who is being nothing but nice." The hard part about that for me is I'm always quick to jump to defend, whether it's myself, my position, something I believe in, or someone I love. Especially when I'm defending someone I love, I try to jump in front of the other party's wrath. I want to take the blunt of it to protect them, which in turn makes me loud and mean. I can also be very passionate about certain things I believe in, which can come across as anger or irritation, when it's not really a *negative* emotion, just a strong one.
The line in the prayer that strikes me the hardest is "And when I am angry myself, let me be an example of how to deal effectively with anger. Help me be the peacekeeper, never the one who stirs up anger." I've never really been able to deal with anger well. Asking the Lord for help with this, is definitely something I need to do more often. I don't spend a lot of time angry, however, when I do it tends to be quite an explosion. When I lose my temper, it can be likened to a firework. You can see it building, and then it explodes loud and bright, and just as quickly fizzles out... but still leaves a mark. I try very hard not to focus my anger on my husband, even though he's the only one around and would be the easiest target. I know my anger usually is not at him, but at myself, for things I've failed to do for me, for us, or for him. I need to find a way to figuratively dump some water on that anger before it bubbles up. And I need to ask the Lord for help with that.
I never was very good at asking for help for myself, even in prayer. I never hesitate to ask for help for others, but when it comes to myself I have a hard time with it. I feel selfish. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to ask for help, too.
So, in an effort to help my team, but also help myself grow in my faith, I've picked up a book that my mother-in-law gave to me as a bridal shower gift. It's titled "Prayers and Promises for Women" by Toni Sortor. I know it will take more than just reading pre-written prayers, with the coinciding passage from the Bible to help me spiritually. So I decided to do the one thing that always helps me organize my thoughts, and write about it.
I will simply read the book of prayers in the order they appear, then write my feelings and personal applications of that prayer and how it can help me in my life. I know it seems a little awkward, but writing has always been the best way for me to get my thoughts in order, and for them to make sense.
The first prayer I read was about anger. Controlling anger, specifically. Finding a way to let go of the anger in order to keep a bad situation from getting worse. Staying calm instead of yelling. In general, being the peace keeper. The passage quoted for this prayer is Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." I read this, in layman's terms "it's hard to stay angry at/with/around someone who is being nothing but nice." The hard part about that for me is I'm always quick to jump to defend, whether it's myself, my position, something I believe in, or someone I love. Especially when I'm defending someone I love, I try to jump in front of the other party's wrath. I want to take the blunt of it to protect them, which in turn makes me loud and mean. I can also be very passionate about certain things I believe in, which can come across as anger or irritation, when it's not really a *negative* emotion, just a strong one.
The line in the prayer that strikes me the hardest is "And when I am angry myself, let me be an example of how to deal effectively with anger. Help me be the peacekeeper, never the one who stirs up anger." I've never really been able to deal with anger well. Asking the Lord for help with this, is definitely something I need to do more often. I don't spend a lot of time angry, however, when I do it tends to be quite an explosion. When I lose my temper, it can be likened to a firework. You can see it building, and then it explodes loud and bright, and just as quickly fizzles out... but still leaves a mark. I try very hard not to focus my anger on my husband, even though he's the only one around and would be the easiest target. I know my anger usually is not at him, but at myself, for things I've failed to do for me, for us, or for him. I need to find a way to figuratively dump some water on that anger before it bubbles up. And I need to ask the Lord for help with that.
I never was very good at asking for help for myself, even in prayer. I never hesitate to ask for help for others, but when it comes to myself I have a hard time with it. I feel selfish. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to ask for help, too.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Married for 4 months?!
I can't believe it.
4 months have gone by in the blink of an eye. Where did the time go?
In the last 4 months we've gotten married, moved to another state, adopted 2 cats, and I've started my own business. Life is crazy!
I've met so many new people my head is spinning, and I'm still trying to figure out who everyone is. On campus here where hubby is in the process of becoming a pastor, everyone is so nice. I haven't met anyone that I think I couldn't get along with. I tried joining the spouses group, but found it wasn't really for me. I love spending the free time with hubby though. And I cook a lot, we go to the gym and work out, I hang out at home and play with the kitties and be a 'domestic goddess' and love every minute of it.
I can't wait until we have kids and then my life will be perfect!
Fingers crossed that my business gets up and going... any additional income would be put to good use!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
3 more days!
Oh my goodness. I can't believe the wedding is finally here. Well, almost here. 3 more days. Actually, it's about 67 hours away. Not that I'm counting or anything...
In the 9 weeks leading up to this major event, I've lost about 32 pounds. When I get serious, I get serious!
Now if only I could get myself so serious about cleaning up my house... I tried earlier. I needed to clean off the brush of my vacuum, but apparently I put it back wrong, because it doesn't turn and now my bedroom smells like smoke. Grr. I just want my hunny to move into a nice place. not the messy place I've got right now :(
Oh I'll get it done I'm sure. I'll be up all night Thursday night with my nerves going crazy I bet.
In the 9 weeks leading up to this major event, I've lost about 32 pounds. When I get serious, I get serious!
Now if only I could get myself so serious about cleaning up my house... I tried earlier. I needed to clean off the brush of my vacuum, but apparently I put it back wrong, because it doesn't turn and now my bedroom smells like smoke. Grr. I just want my hunny to move into a nice place. not the messy place I've got right now :(
Oh I'll get it done I'm sure. I'll be up all night Thursday night with my nerves going crazy I bet.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
THE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP IS OVER!
Yay! *dance* Celebrate! SO happy!!
He's back in the area and we are officially done with the long distance relationship! One more week until we get married!
Can you tell I'm happy? Cause I'm pretty freakin happy. Stoked. Ecstatic even.
YAY!
He's back in the area and we are officially done with the long distance relationship! One more week until we get married!
Can you tell I'm happy? Cause I'm pretty freakin happy. Stoked. Ecstatic even.
YAY!
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Just watched him deliver a sermon...
Okay, it was a video recording of a practice run for a sermon he delivered today at his field church, but still. I may have a problem. He looked so good up there in his preacher man duds, speaking with all that confidence. I kinda just wanted to go grab him and drag him off to a corner. I think that might be frowned upon... even after we're married. But what if I'm not the only female in the congregation that is having thoughts along those lines?! Ohh that will not be a pretty bit of jealousy there. Not that HTB would even notice another female paying attention to him. I have to be blunt with him because he doesn't do subtle.
I'm so proud of him. I really am. He's amazing. :)
I'm so proud of him. I really am. He's amazing. :)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
I don't know how he does it.
I've gotten serious with the diet lately. After playing around with it, gaining and losing the same 5 pounds, I decided to get down to business. I joined an awesome forum for support on my journey. (Visit here) I've only been there for 2 days, but I think it was an amazing find. The people there are so supportive, and in all stages of weight loss, from just starting, to dealing with the day to day of finally reaching where they wanted to be... and everything in between. There are amazing, positive inspiring stories of people who have lost 100, even 200 pounds. I think this is a very important step for me. Having cheerleaders.
However, what has me depressed tonight, is that I finally got the courage to take a "before" photo, so I can track my progress. OH MY GOSH I look so awful. I don't know how my HTB can look at me and think "this woman is beautiful, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her" BUT HE DOES. Bless him. I think he's blind to it or something, because I look absolutely awful and I NEVER want to look like this again. I can't believe I'm getting married at the heaviest I've ever been.
But, hopefully by the time the next 8 weeks roll by (and I'm hoping I can drop at least 20 more lbs by then - doubt it, but it's worth a shot) I will look at least a little better than I do in the photos I took a few minutes ago. YUCK.
However, what has me depressed tonight, is that I finally got the courage to take a "before" photo, so I can track my progress. OH MY GOSH I look so awful. I don't know how my HTB can look at me and think "this woman is beautiful, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her" BUT HE DOES. Bless him. I think he's blind to it or something, because I look absolutely awful and I NEVER want to look like this again. I can't believe I'm getting married at the heaviest I've ever been.
But, hopefully by the time the next 8 weeks roll by (and I'm hoping I can drop at least 20 more lbs by then - doubt it, but it's worth a shot) I will look at least a little better than I do in the photos I took a few minutes ago. YUCK.
Friday, March 18, 2011
A bit of spiritual reflection.
So far in this blog I've gone on about my wedding plans and the difficulty of along distance relationship with my fiance, without really addressing the biggest issue of our union. My fiance's faith, and my lack of a religious background.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
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