Prayers and Promises

Recently on campus we've started a wellness initiative. It is a friendly competition where groups of 4 earn points by doing various activities to promote mental, spiritual, and physical wellness. Resting, praying, exercising, and eating proper amounts of fruits, veggies and whole grains are all a part of the program. The eating, exercising, and resting bit are easy enough for me. I do all of those on my own anyway. It's the spiritual wellness part that has me stumped and feeling a bit like a drag on my team, especially with each of the other 3 members being seminary students and on the way to becoming pastors.

So, in an effort to help my team, but also help myself grow in my faith, I've picked up a book that my mother-in-law gave to me as a bridal shower gift. It's titled "Prayers and Promises for Women" by Toni Sortor. I know it will take more than just reading pre-written prayers, with the coinciding passage from the Bible to help me spiritually. So I decided to do the one thing that always helps me organize my thoughts, and write about it.

I will simply read the book of prayers in the order they appear, then write my feelings and personal applications of that prayer and how it can help me in my life. I know it seems a little awkward, but writing has always been the best way for me to get my thoughts in order, and for them to make sense.

The first prayer I read was about anger. Controlling anger, specifically. Finding a way to let go of the anger in order to keep a bad situation from getting worse. Staying calm instead of yelling. In general, being the peace keeper. The passage quoted for this prayer is Proverbs 15:1 "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." I read this, in layman's terms "it's hard to stay angry at/with/around someone who is being nothing but nice." The hard part about that for me is I'm always quick to jump to defend, whether it's myself, my position, something I believe in, or someone I love. Especially when I'm defending someone I love, I try to jump in front of the other party's wrath. I want to take the blunt of it to protect them, which in turn makes me loud and mean. I can also be very passionate about certain things I believe in, which can come across as anger or irritation, when it's not really a *negative* emotion, just a strong one.

The line in the prayer that strikes me the hardest is "And when I am angry myself, let me be an example of how to deal effectively with anger. Help me be the peacekeeper, never the one who stirs up anger." I've never really been able to deal with anger well. Asking the Lord for help with this, is definitely something I need to do more often. I don't spend a lot of time angry, however, when I do it tends to be quite an explosion. When I lose my temper, it can be likened to a firework. You can see it building, and then it explodes loud and bright, and just as quickly fizzles out... but still leaves a mark. I try very hard not to focus my anger on my husband, even though he's the only one around and would be the easiest target. I know my anger usually is not at him, but at myself, for things I've failed to do for me, for us, or for him. I need to find a way to figuratively dump some water on that anger before it bubbles up. And I need to ask the Lord for help with that.

I never was very good at asking for help for myself, even in prayer. I never hesitate to ask for help for others, but when it comes to myself I have a hard time with it. I feel selfish. Maybe I need to pray for the ability to ask for help, too.