This is Bad.

Normally after he leaves to go back to school, it takes me a day to adjust, then I'm fine. Not this time.

Maybe it was because he was here for so much longer than he typically is. Or maybe it's because I was on my period and thus had the hormone induced mood swings. Or maybe I'm just really seriously over being so far away from him.

I talk to him. I pray for strength. I talk to my friends. I pray for patience. But none of it seems to be working. I just want him with me, not hundreds of miles away. I don't know why it's so much harder this time. You can only be so strong for so long. Even the most flexible branches can only bend so far before they break, and I think I'm getting to that point.

I sleep for 10 hours a day. Much more than is healthy. And it's because instead of getting up and out of bed, I go back to sleep so I can dream that he's here. I'm in a funk all day because I know he's not going to be there when I get home, and then I go to bed and I'm sad because I'm alone.

It feels worse than after my worst break up, and that's even with the comfort of speaking to him daily.

How do you continue in a situation that you simply don't have the strength to continue? I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel and don't know what to do...

Long Distance Difficulty...

Most of the time I like to think I'm handling the long distance situation currently in my relationship fairly well. I know it's necessary, and I know that once we're married we won't have to separate like this again. My practical side is very good at offering me those comforting kind of words.

However my emotional side is screaming like a 2 year old who just had her cookie taken away. And possibly needs a nap.

In other words, I know it's important and necessary for us to deal with this, but I really don't like it.

It's bad tonight. Really bad. It's only been a couple days since I've seen him, but I miss him so much it's a physical ache. I always thought that was something that only occurred in fiction novels, but now I get it. I miss his touch and his kisses. The hugs and the laughs. His voice and his smile. And that look he gets when I do something slightly obnoxious or offensive and he wants to laugh but doesn't want to encourage me.

I know six weeks isn't all that long in the grand scheme of things, but when you're on day 1 of 42, it seems like a life time. And I know I've made it through before. I can do it again, because he's worth the wait. But tonight I just want him curled up next to me snoring, then telling me he's only sleeping a little bit when I poke him.

Love endures. It has before and I'm sure it will again, but I'm so so tired of these tests.

Day 1 of wedding diet?

Yeah... I so fail.

Today, after a good start, I decided to make it a test day. To sort of keep track of what I'm eating, and how far off the chart I'm going so I could get an idea of where and what I need to cut.

Holy Cow. No wonder I'm so fat! Yeesh. I didn't know PBJs were so awful for a diet. I should have guessed though, since peanut butter is one of the things used in the 'weight gain' smoothies at Tropical Smoothie... BUT I WANTED TO STAY BLISSFULLY UNAWARE! I love PBJ :( and my cream cheese and chive crackers will likely need to disappear and not reappear because they are a whopping 5 points per pack.

The good news is, the popcorn I have is good stuff, only a point per serving. I'll have to double check, but if I can get that salty, buttery fix, I'll be alright.

AND there is MORE good news. HTB is making good time heading back to school, and we've got the church for the ceremony, and I made the reservations at the beach hotel for the wedding night... you know, because we're gonna spend so much time looking at the water outside... and my dentist appointment went well. THANK GOD FOR THAT because my bank account is tired of me needing to go into that money vacuum.

Everything is shaping up nicely, and the only thing that would make me happier is if HTB was here to see it. I miss him already. :(

Here we go...

Less than 4 months to go means we're getting to crunch time.

I've got the honeymoon cabin reserved and paid for, and the wedding night hotel picked out, along with all the favors (minus the food favors), our rings are purchased and in my possession, I've had my dress for a while. Daddy's handling the catering, reception, and invitations.

So what's left?

Flowers, HTB's tux, the cupcake tower, bridal party gifts, and the dreaded "wedding crash diet."

Yep, vacation's over and I've gained at least 5 pounds. So today I'm starting some old school Weight Watchers (I've already got the material for it) and hoping I can make it work.

Getting kind of a late start today since HTB was visiting until almost 4am - back to school today, and neither one of us wanted him to leave. So I didn't wake up until noon. Breakfast today consisted of a "superfood" fruit drink, yogurt, toast, and a vitamin. A total of 6 points.

Anyway, I'm headed to the dentist to have my pearly whites checked out. Adios!

I don't look so good in green.

There are some photos surfacing from HTB's trip that make me pause. Mostly because there is another female hanging on him in these photos. A female he swears is not interested and nothing happened with. Every single photo I've seen with the two of them (across four different albums, probably more I haven't seen), she is either touching him, leaning on him, or within a couple feet of him when there's obviously other places she could be. There's even one where she's doing something with him in the background of a photo, so I know the "all over him" bit isn't just for a photo's sake.

He swears up and down she's not interested "because she said so"... I find it really hard to believe considering what I know of the situation with them. He tells me things, she calls/texts him, I see these photos. It all adds up to her not understanding that there are lines you do not cross with a man who is taken, especially if you are not friends with his significant other. I've been the girl who has a thing for a guy with a girlfriend. From what I'm seeing and hearing, her actions are pretty much the same as mine were.... when I was a teenager.

Yes, I will admit, I wouldn't be nearly as bothered by the photos if it were friends of mine involved. I know my friends. I know their intentions. I trust them. None of that applies to this woman, and the picture of them with her head on his shoulder, her arm around his and her boobs hanging out makes me want to claw her face off.

And I really do pride myself on the fact that I'm not a jealous person. Of course, not knowing how to deal with the jealousy is probably contributing to my irritation. I need to talk to him about making sure she knows there are lines she needs to not cross, but I really don't want to have another fight with him. :( sigh...

He's back... But not really.

HTB made it home from his trip out of the country! And like the amazing man he is, instead of calling to let me know he made it home okay, he stopped by my house (around 1am) to let me see he made it home okay... Getting to kiss my sweetie good night was a wonderful rare treat.

He doesn't have to go back to school for another 2 weeks, and most of that I will be off work so we can get some time together. Unfortunately, today... the first day we'd get to spend together since the couple days after Christmas... he's stuck at home in bed with a stomach virus. :( Poor baby. I feel like I should be over there to take care of him, but with that stomach bug going around his family, I really don't want to be a part of *that* particular family bonding event. He suggested that I spend the day at home, because, I quote, "you probably don't want to spend your days off throwing up." ... true enough on that one.

Still, I hate that he's sick and greedy as I am to spend time with him, I hate that the sickness is taking some of that time away from me.

He needs to get better soon. :(

Late night brain wanderings.

Thanks to the very large cup of extra caffeine coffee I drank earlier this evening, I managed to stay up far later than usual.

I spent the early evening making good on my (slightly delayed) new years resolution to read the Bible, in it's entirety, by the end of the year. Considering HTB is on the way to becoming a pastor, I thought it was a good idea. So, because I'm awful about doing things on time, I started tonight and read the first six days worth of readings, came up with questions for discussion with my own personal tutor.

Then I picked up another book that seems to be the antithesis of the Bible. But really, how many women can resist the lure of a sexy highlander historical romance?

And read the whole thing.

All of the nearly 400 pages of time traveling, spell weaving, love story.

About half way through, I decided it was time for me to go read in bed, instead of at my computer desk downstairs since the angle was causing a nasty pain in my neck. It struck me as I walked around to go up the stairs that 5 months from now, my husband will be walking up those stairs with me. Climbing into this bed with me. Cuddling up and making love in this bed with me. Kissing me good night, rolling onto his stomach and promptly starting to snore right next to me. Waking up to me yelling not to kiss me I've got morning breath. Pretty much every day into the foreseeable future.

And instead of freaking me out (that forever aspect can be damn daunting), it gave me a lovely warm fuzzy feeling (possibly the result of too many romance novels - at least 4 - being read this week alone) and a sense of contentment that I'm finally going to get my happily ever after, too.

Either I'm not gonna get the pre-wedding jitters, and temporary cold feet... or they are gonna sneak up on me at the very last second.

In conclusion, I'm looking forward to being 'the wife'... and I'm really looking forward to having a body next to me in this bed to stick my (literally) cold feet on to warm them up! (sorry sweetie)

Money!

Because I have the best grandfather on the planet... I've opened a checking account (that I've oh so subtly named "WEDDING!!!" in my online banking account) with a generous enough amount in it that I can actually afford to get married. YAY! Best Christmas present EVER. The only bad thing about it is, I couldn't put the HTB on there, because he's currently not even in this country.

And that is a whole other issue entirely full of jealousy and discontentment, so i'll leave it out of this YAY I'VE GOT MONEY TO PAY FOR MY WEDDING happy post. :)