My life as an almost-wife

Ha. It hasn't really changed all that much, except now I have a reason to doodle my first name paired with his last name, and moon over wedding dresses. I have to admit, knowing that he feels that our relationship is a life time kind is making this separation a lot easier than I had suspected.

It's been almost 3 weeks, and I've only cried once, which can ostensibly be blamed on PMS and excused as simply me being in an emotional state. (Can I get away with that?)

We talk every day, about a bunch of different things. I miss him like crazy, but that's to be expected. The longer he's gone, the more I look forward to seeing him again at the end of August.

Less than 5 weeks left! When he comes home for a bit, we'll be going out to get some price and time estimates on getting my ring made. I'M SO EXCITED!

I've been feeling a little bit greedy or materialistic because I'm so into the idea of my diamond engagement ring. It's a fairly expensive little trinket, but I really want that symbol of this step in our relationship. He understands that, even though I tend to feel awful for wanting it so badly. I know he can't afford anything super expensive at the moment because he's in school. However, I get the feeling that he thinks I'm crazy for feeling bad.

The last few weeks I've been looking into dresses and invitations and venues for receptions and generally enjoying the "I'm getting married!" bit. I plan on riding this high as long as I can, because when it levels off, I know the sadness of missing him will take it's place.

For now, I'm not dwelling on the fact that he's far away, but that we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for this brief separation. I love that man. :)

A week later.

Well, it's been a week since we moved him down to South Carolina. I've talked to him every day, and he seems to be adjusting and doing well with his class. I'm so proud of him.

To keep my mind off of the fact that I won't be seeing him for several weeks, I've been doing wedding plans in my head. I've had some bad moments, but mostly I've managed to keep the tears at bay for now. We'll see how it goes when I don't have work or friends to occupy my time.

Every time I start to get a little bit down about the situation, I remember that he loves me enough to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him. It still gives me a little thrill to tell people that I'm getting married. I keep waiting for it to feel real, to sink in... it's been almost 2 weeks, and I'm still waiting for the "just kidding!"

I guess this time, too good is true.

Well then.

I guess I don't have to worry about the route our relationship is gonna take anymore...

SINCE HE PROPOSED TONIGHT!!

*squee!* I'm engaged!

I don't think it's fully settled into my brain, but I have never been so happy in my life. <3

T minus 4 days...

My brain is all jumbled right now. These last few weeks have been the most amazing I've had in a long time... due to the fact that I've been able to spend so much time with him. I can't think of anything else but trying to make him happy before he leaves.

We've spent so much time together, just the two of us and with family... It's so hard to believe that in 4 short days I'll be helping him move into a new place 7 hours away from me.

I'm strong, when I have to be. I hate being weak. I can't help crying about him leaving though. I don't know how to handle this. He says I'm handling it very well, and I've surprised myself by not picking any stupid little fights with him over it, but I still feel like the frequency of tears being present is way too high.

I want him to miss me, and want to be back with me... but I don't want him to regret his decision to follow his dream in any way.

I can't keep the scary negative thoughts from popping into my head. I want to believe the good ones, but don't want to get my hopes up lest they be shot down.

I want to tell everyone how proud I am of him, and how happy I am to see him get what he wants, and at the same time I just want to hold on tight and put my face in his neck and not let go.

I don't want to cry over it because it shows weakness and that leads to people walking out of my life, but at the same time I don't want to appear indifferent as though it doesn't matter that he's leaving.

Tomorrow is our last day just to ourselves before he leaves. I will be making and freezing some of his favorites so I can send them down with him when he goes. We'll also be making some prints from pictures taken during some of our trips so he can have them to decorate his dorm.

Friday will be the good-bye gathering, Saturday will be the trip down and the moving in, Sunday.... Sunday is the day I'm dreading the most. The drive home. The drive without him. The 7 hour ride in the car with his family judging me for crying too much (or maybe not enough?).

I wish I could settle my brain. I haven't slept well in a long time because I'm so stressed about him leaving. I sometimes think, "it's not a very long separation, and we'll have the rest of our lives to make up for it." And that line of thought keeps a smile on my face most of the time.... however, the other one that sneaks up when I'm feeling particularly low, "he's leaving, and when he gets down there he'll probably decide to take a path other than the one we've discussed."

I hate having such a roller coaster in my head. My brain doesn't like being a track, especially when the cars are threatening to tip over the side.