I've gotten serious with the diet lately. After playing around with it, gaining and losing the same 5 pounds, I decided to get down to business. I joined an awesome forum for support on my journey. (Visit here) I've only been there for 2 days, but I think it was an amazing find. The people there are so supportive, and in all stages of weight loss, from just starting, to dealing with the day to day of finally reaching where they wanted to be... and everything in between. There are amazing, positive inspiring stories of people who have lost 100, even 200 pounds. I think this is a very important step for me. Having cheerleaders.
However, what has me depressed tonight, is that I finally got the courage to take a "before" photo, so I can track my progress. OH MY GOSH I look so awful. I don't know how my HTB can look at me and think "this woman is beautiful, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her" BUT HE DOES. Bless him. I think he's blind to it or something, because I look absolutely awful and I NEVER want to look like this again. I can't believe I'm getting married at the heaviest I've ever been.
But, hopefully by the time the next 8 weeks roll by (and I'm hoping I can drop at least 20 more lbs by then - doubt it, but it's worth a shot) I will look at least a little better than I do in the photos I took a few minutes ago. YUCK.
Wedding Ticker
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
A bit of spiritual reflection.
So far in this blog I've gone on about my wedding plans and the difficulty of along distance relationship with my fiance, without really addressing the biggest issue of our union. My fiance's faith, and my lack of a religious background.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
Before I met him, my relationship with God was somewhat of a roller coaster. As a child, I was brought up in a mostly non religious household. We did not attend church regularly, and the topic of Jesus was rarely discussed, if ever. When I was a young teen I asked my mom to take me to church on Sundays. She took me to the early service at a Baptist church, where we dealt with mostly older people that I could not relate to, and I eventually got disenchanted.
In high school I had a couple very religious friends, and a couple who claimed atheism. I listened to them debate. After hearing it, I was mostly confused but still wanting to believe in God. I never did go back to church when I was in school, but still felt a belief in God, though I tended to claim "Agnosticism" rather than completely give in to my faith in God, because I was not completely sure. I believed that there was some kind of higher power, but I didn't know what.
My freshman year of college I met my best friend. She had been an active member of the church for a long time, and had a history with it. I don't think I ever really asked her very many questions a the time, but I did get some kind of reassurance that someone I could relate to so well could have that kind of faith in something that, to me, was very vague.
A few years of that, and then I moved away from my home town. Once I got to my current location, I got a job with a very devout Christian woman working across from me. We regularly had spirited debates and discussions regarding her faith and beliefs and why they were accurate. She enjoyed them because I challenged her faith and made her think about it and discuss it. I enjoyed them because they helped me in my own search. I wanted to find God. I wanted to get on that path that would lead me to Him, without simply saying the words and claiming salvation. I wanted a true relationship.
Unfortunately, a series of rather upsetting events happened in my life, and the more I asked for help and strength to get through, the worse I felt and then something else bad would happen. I had begun to feel that if there was a God, then he did not like me very much and therefore he was not the God of the Bible who supposedly loves everyone, and is a very forgiving God. I stopped believing in Him to the point I claimed atheism. I did not want to associate with a God who would turn his back on me in such a manner. Loss of a job, betrayal by a significant other, loss of ANOTHER job, inability to find work, loss of a loved one. The hits just kept coming. I ended up on antidepressant medication and sleeping just to escape reality.
But then I found a steady job and made some new friends in the area, and felt like maybe He had something to do with it, and that all the rest was a test of my faith in Him. Perhaps it was. Or perhaps, as my HTB likes to say, it was the influence of the other guy trying to pull me away from the path to God's door.
When I first met my fiance, I was again in that place of confusion in regards to my faith. I was almost afraid to go out with him because of the strength of his beliefs and how he might see me as a project to convert. But he wasn't like that. He's never once pushed me. He has offered me suggestions on reading material, answered my questions, and been patient with me when I've questioned the ideals of his faith.
Because of his quiet support and his easy acceptance of my history, I've been reading a bit of the Bible every day, reading sections of "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel, attending some church services, and asking more questions than I ever have about the information found in both sources. I feel like because of my fiance, my relationship with God is more secure than it was before, and that my faith isn't nearly as shaky.
However, as I told my fiance in a discussion we had recently, I hate not knowing where this strength of conviction comes from. Do I believe now because I've found that path that I've been seeking, and the Holy Spirit has guided me to where I needed to be? Or do I want my fiance's approval so badly that I WANT to believe for him? Have I really built a good relationship with God? Or have I built my relationship with my fiance, and thus in a situation of "belief by proxy" (meaning, my fiance believes in God, and I believe in my fiance, therefore my belief is one step removed?)
He claims that the ways of God are too numerous and mysterious for anybody to comprehend, and maybe this was His goal all along, and that in time, my beliefs will be comfortable to me and stand alone without question. Just like when I attend church with him, I always feel *good* when we leave. I'm in a good mood, and simply happy. But, I told him, I don't know if that's because I'm happy that I managed to make it through an uncomfortable situation for me, or if I'm excited to have spent time in worship of God? Maybe a bit of both?
Thinking about it almost always makes me cry in frustration of not knowing where my reasoning lies. It's like seeing the answer to an equation, and not knowing how it was solved. I want to be like a middle school math teacher and demand my brain show it's work!
I will say this though. Getting to know God through various discussions and readings has been a rewarding process for me, and I'm not sorry I've done it. I don't find it difficult to believe that God is all around, and that Jesus died for my sins.
I do believe, regardless of the path my brain took to get there.
Maybe He believes in me after all.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Eventful spring break!
It's been a crazy eventful week! So much got done for the wedding, and I got to spend a ton of time with the HTB. (68 days until he goes from 'hubby to be' to just 'hubby' yay!)
Let's see. Where to start... Well, on a sad note. HTB came home from school a couple days early because his grandfather had passed away, and he wanted to attend the memorial service. I took the day off work and went with him. It was a beautiful service, and they served lunch afterward. We got quizzed about our wedding, and I was happy to offer something cheerful to focus on. It truly was a celebration of his life, and not a sad, mourning his death sort of service. He'd been really sick, so it was definitely a blessing to see his suffering end.
After the service, we hung out at HTB's family's house and just spent time together. There was cards, and food, and playing with the baby. Later in the evening, HTB and I got to spend some time together at my place, generally re-learning how to be together after six weeks apart.
Sunday, I worked, quite literally all day. I clocked in before 8am, and when I clocked out to leave for the day, it was almost 10pm. Yes there was a 3 hour or so interval I spent at home between leaving at 5pm and going back at 8:30, but still. It made for a very long day. HTB and I got in his truck after the meeting and went to IHOP and had a cheapy delicious heart attack on a plate type meal, then we went to Walmart, to look at some prices for things, and generally walk around to settle dinner. Then it was back to my place for a little while.
Monday I had to work a late shift and didn't get to see him (sadface!)
Tuesday, he got to my house around 3 or 4 AND I DROVE HIS TRUCK! over to my mom's place. Yep. That's right ladies and gents, he let me drive his truck. That's how much my man loves and trusts me. :P We hung out with my parents, had dinner (chili dogs! I was craving and mom had made chili, I took advantage), then headed back to my place, by 8, so we could watch Glee (more evidence that he loves me... he sat through the whole show). Then it was relax with the remote/snuggle up time until he went home around 2 or 3am.
Wednesday, was a busy busy wedding day. He got to my house around 12:30, and we headed out to meet with the florist. We got all of our flowers taken care of, and at a very reasonable price. Here's hoping the flowers are pretty and alive when we get them :) At the end of our meeting with the florist (all paid), we met up with the photographer (Josi, previously mentioned) and talked with her, got her set up with the details and then went to the church so she could have a look around. I also got to look around and see where my girls and I would be getting ready. (I'm so excited about this, you have no idea).
After the photographer was on her way home, HTB and I stopped for some foods and then headed back to his place where we decided on a hymn for during the service. After that, it was off to church for Ash Wednesday worship. I'd never been to an Ash Wednesday service, so it was completely new to me. Afterward when we were all decorated with our ash crosses on our foreheads, we chatted and yammered and then HTB took me out on our 'Valentine's Day' dinner date that we didn't get to have. We got a lot of looks, but I really didn't care. For some reason, even though I'm slightly uncomfortable during the service because it's unfamiliar, I always just feel GOOD at the end. Then since it was late, back to my place for snuggle up/tv time. It was a really good day.
Thursday, we went over and spent the evening with HTB's other set of parents (mom and step-dad) and the kids. Watched some TV, talked and joked, had another dinner of chili dogs (which made me laugh, and probably factored into my slightly elevated blood pressure today all that sodium!). His mom gave us a couple movies to watch because they were entertaining, and we left around 10, 10:30, and went to Denny's for dessert and coffee. After we finished our calorie fest, I wasn't feelin so hot, so we went across the street to the 24hr grocery store and picked up some Nyquil. I took that when we got back to my place, and he stayed with me until I fell asleep. So super sweet.
Friday, well, Friday started out kinda poorly for me. I'm requesting gift cards/cash/checks as presents, but so many people are all "But what do you need, I want to get you a present"... and I'm all "We don't really need anything because we have enough, and I don't want to pack up a bunch of new stuff when I move in 5 months"... Nobody wants to listen to that though, and.... well, this is rant for another time. I had a bit of a melt down on the phone with my mom, then HTB came to pick me up and we went to Target to maybe make a registry, but I was in such a foul mood just looking at STUFF made me angry. So we went over to my parents' place for a bit then went to the bar to hang out with *my* family. Meaning my parents' and their biker friends. It was a ton of fun (for me anyway, dono about HTB) and the food was good. Then it was back to my place for the rest of the night. We watched a movie, and then he went home.
Saturday was bittersweet. It was our last day together for his trip home, and I won't get to see him again until Easter. We ended up making another visit to his mom's house to see his parents, and his little brother and sister. Then we went to the other family's house (dad and stepmom) for dinner and chill time with the fam. My soon-to-be nephew was there again, and he still loves me. Yay! Along with lots of other family. His brother and sister in law (parents of the nephew), his sister, and his grandmother. His stepmom made some yummy stuffed pork chops and his grandmother made a blueberry pie. Then we left and stopped at walmart for a handful of groceries that I needed, and it was back to my house for the rest of the evening.
I didn't want him to leave. I told him he had to go by midnight or so, so I could get at least six hours of sleep. He didn't leave until almost 2, and then I had to set the clock forward, and work all day Sunday on very little sleep and a lot of sadness that he was gone.
But, just like he's good at, he called me as soon as I got home, because he knew what time I was gonna be there. He's just wonderful like that.
Today I went to the doctor and got my prescription for the pill, so that's in my system and ready to go once we're married.
That's pretty much the summary of my week :)
Let's see. Where to start... Well, on a sad note. HTB came home from school a couple days early because his grandfather had passed away, and he wanted to attend the memorial service. I took the day off work and went with him. It was a beautiful service, and they served lunch afterward. We got quizzed about our wedding, and I was happy to offer something cheerful to focus on. It truly was a celebration of his life, and not a sad, mourning his death sort of service. He'd been really sick, so it was definitely a blessing to see his suffering end.
After the service, we hung out at HTB's family's house and just spent time together. There was cards, and food, and playing with the baby. Later in the evening, HTB and I got to spend some time together at my place, generally re-learning how to be together after six weeks apart.
Sunday, I worked, quite literally all day. I clocked in before 8am, and when I clocked out to leave for the day, it was almost 10pm. Yes there was a 3 hour or so interval I spent at home between leaving at 5pm and going back at 8:30, but still. It made for a very long day. HTB and I got in his truck after the meeting and went to IHOP and had a cheapy delicious heart attack on a plate type meal, then we went to Walmart, to look at some prices for things, and generally walk around to settle dinner. Then it was back to my place for a little while.
Monday I had to work a late shift and didn't get to see him (sadface!)
Tuesday, he got to my house around 3 or 4 AND I DROVE HIS TRUCK! over to my mom's place. Yep. That's right ladies and gents, he let me drive his truck. That's how much my man loves and trusts me. :P We hung out with my parents, had dinner (chili dogs! I was craving and mom had made chili, I took advantage), then headed back to my place, by 8, so we could watch Glee (more evidence that he loves me... he sat through the whole show). Then it was relax with the remote/snuggle up time until he went home around 2 or 3am.
Wednesday, was a busy busy wedding day. He got to my house around 12:30, and we headed out to meet with the florist. We got all of our flowers taken care of, and at a very reasonable price. Here's hoping the flowers are pretty and alive when we get them :) At the end of our meeting with the florist (all paid), we met up with the photographer (Josi, previously mentioned) and talked with her, got her set up with the details and then went to the church so she could have a look around. I also got to look around and see where my girls and I would be getting ready. (I'm so excited about this, you have no idea).
After the photographer was on her way home, HTB and I stopped for some foods and then headed back to his place where we decided on a hymn for during the service. After that, it was off to church for Ash Wednesday worship. I'd never been to an Ash Wednesday service, so it was completely new to me. Afterward when we were all decorated with our ash crosses on our foreheads, we chatted and yammered and then HTB took me out on our 'Valentine's Day' dinner date that we didn't get to have. We got a lot of looks, but I really didn't care. For some reason, even though I'm slightly uncomfortable during the service because it's unfamiliar, I always just feel GOOD at the end. Then since it was late, back to my place for snuggle up/tv time. It was a really good day.
Thursday, we went over and spent the evening with HTB's other set of parents (mom and step-dad) and the kids. Watched some TV, talked and joked, had another dinner of chili dogs (which made me laugh, and probably factored into my slightly elevated blood pressure today all that sodium!). His mom gave us a couple movies to watch because they were entertaining, and we left around 10, 10:30, and went to Denny's for dessert and coffee. After we finished our calorie fest, I wasn't feelin so hot, so we went across the street to the 24hr grocery store and picked up some Nyquil. I took that when we got back to my place, and he stayed with me until I fell asleep. So super sweet.
Friday, well, Friday started out kinda poorly for me. I'm requesting gift cards/cash/checks as presents, but so many people are all "But what do you need, I want to get you a present"... and I'm all "We don't really need anything because we have enough, and I don't want to pack up a bunch of new stuff when I move in 5 months"... Nobody wants to listen to that though, and.... well, this is rant for another time. I had a bit of a melt down on the phone with my mom, then HTB came to pick me up and we went to Target to maybe make a registry, but I was in such a foul mood just looking at STUFF made me angry. So we went over to my parents' place for a bit then went to the bar to hang out with *my* family. Meaning my parents' and their biker friends. It was a ton of fun (for me anyway, dono about HTB) and the food was good. Then it was back to my place for the rest of the night. We watched a movie, and then he went home.
Saturday was bittersweet. It was our last day together for his trip home, and I won't get to see him again until Easter. We ended up making another visit to his mom's house to see his parents, and his little brother and sister. Then we went to the other family's house (dad and stepmom) for dinner and chill time with the fam. My soon-to-be nephew was there again, and he still loves me. Yay! Along with lots of other family. His brother and sister in law (parents of the nephew), his sister, and his grandmother. His stepmom made some yummy stuffed pork chops and his grandmother made a blueberry pie. Then we left and stopped at walmart for a handful of groceries that I needed, and it was back to my house for the rest of the evening.
I didn't want him to leave. I told him he had to go by midnight or so, so I could get at least six hours of sleep. He didn't leave until almost 2, and then I had to set the clock forward, and work all day Sunday on very little sleep and a lot of sadness that he was gone.
But, just like he's good at, he called me as soon as I got home, because he knew what time I was gonna be there. He's just wonderful like that.
Today I went to the doctor and got my prescription for the pill, so that's in my system and ready to go once we're married.
That's pretty much the summary of my week :)
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